Saturday, November 15, 2008


Have you ever hope on things that as a matter of fact you know it just won't happen?

Have you ever want to give up on something that doesn't belong to you in the first place?

Have you ever missed someone who never exist at all?

Have you ever lied to others, or even to yourself to make yourself feel better?

Have you ever tried to get away from something or someone for better, but it gets worse?

Ok, I don't know why these craps are in my head. I'm feeling pretty sucky now. And having all these mixed up feelings inside me. I'm feeling happy, sad, jealous, excited, frustrated, anxious, emo, grateful, thankful, hateful, lost, resistant. Suddenly it seems like all the bad stuff is happening. But... I just don't know what they are. I never thought of suicide, but I am wondering what use do I have existing in this world.

Things changed. People changed. Even I myself changed. A sentence from the song Downfall suddenly struck me. 'you don't know anything on the other side of me' pretty cool right? I mean, yeah, only I myself know what's really in me. But there are even times where I don't really know myself. Sometimes I can just keep quiet without talking for hours (not including sleeping lah), just wanna stay at home and do nothing, talk to no one. Maybe being used to it, the feeling of being alone is kinda entertaining actually. So don't be surprise if I just don't talk at all. It's just.. well.. me.

It gets pretty sucky when all the while you thought you knew the fact, but when you found out that it isn't, even though it was not a lie in the first place. Some people lie to make you feel better, but when you found out the truth or something you presume is the truth, the feeling is kinda like a knot tied in your stomach.

Aih. I don't know what am I crapping. I'm losing... losing a battle which I never step into; losing the bond that used to be unbreakable; losing to others, and losing to oneself.

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