Sunday, November 04, 2012

Like We're Gonna Die Young

What expression or words can you give if someone tell u that they are not gonna live long?

I am stoned. Speechless. All I can give is a stoned face with an 'o' shaped mouth opened, no words are able to come out. Can't think. What can you actually say? It sounds like a joke, but no one likes to joke about life or death. It sounds fake, but I don't know. I can't really think at all.

All I can say is to do the things you like while you can. Go for all the things that you like.

Live, like you're gonna die young.

I fear death. A lot. No, I fear that I'll die when I'm young. I fear what happens after. To my family, to my friends. I will 'mm seh tak' my babies.

Life is such an unpredictable thing. Therefore, I must try to do all the things that I wish to achieve if anything happen, in a bad way. Touch wood.

Sometimes the things I do brings me no benefit, but i'm happy, and it's worth it. Yes, it's really worth it.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

There are certainly many things in life, you will never get to know the reason or answers behind them. Things that you don't understand, because you never experience or feel it before. You think you know the people that you know, but actually you don't. You think that person is good, but you realize they're not.

I'm happy with what I have currently, I have the ability to earn my own money, although I haven't earn enough to pay for where I'm living now. I have friends, family, colleagues. I have happy people around me whose jokes make me laugh. I have the ability to smile. I have hands and legs that I can work with. I am normal.

I'm just human. I cry too. I feel sad too. I feel lonely too. Very very lonely at times. Living in a house big enough yet it does feel empty. Being single for so long, i envy couples. Each and every couple. Even my parents. And especially when you recently see very sweet couples, and having sweet couples around you. I don't really know what is the most important thing in relationships, but I guess one word says it all - LOVE. Both sides have to give and take. I don't know how couples can maintain. It's really respectful. It's weird when you see ego guys being sweet and lovey, it's funny how love makes human do. Hopefully I will find someone in the future. Hopefully. I'm scared too. I am scared halfway it'll end. I want to have 10yrs, 20 yrs, 30 yrs anniversary, not heart-breaking ones. I want "someone like you", someone better even. But I am nobody to demand for such great partner. Choosy, someone said, i know. I still believe in fate. No matter what.

I did wonder what if I did accept him last time, would I still be in a relationship right now?  But things happen for a reason. The strong 'no' that I felt inside when he asked. If i did, he wouldn't be so loving with her now :)

Sometimes i feel like just drive aimlessly, until I find a place where I feel good. Sometimes, I just wish to go to the beach and scream my lungs out, hoping it will make me feel better. Or perhaps I should just learn from the movie Prom, bury my head in the pillow and scream so that no one hears me, and then get back to life. Sometimes it's not that I love to cry, I can even cry in a comedy, I can just cry after I laugh. It's just it does make me feel better, sometimes. Sometimes it makes me feel worse though. Contradicting.

I found so many 'feelings' in this chinese page in fb, which most are how I feel, which means that a lot of people in this world feels the same, or perhaps worse. I am grateful that I'm just feeling heartaches, where there are other people in this world are suffering from physical, surgical, mental, torturous pain. Heartaches are for real though. They really do ache. And you really can feel the 'pain', really.

I used to think that people who commit suicide are stupid. I still think they are. But I understand why they did it. That crucial moment where the tension or stress or sadness or yeemo is at its climax, you just feel like you have no meaning to live on anymore, that feeling where no one will care, no one will forgive, that you are totally a failure, that's where all these 'devil thoughts' make them end their own life. Just like someone said, they chose to face death than to face their own life. I really wanted to once, not anymore. Thanks to someone.

Sometimes I wish i can just stop doing things and just... stop. Just let go of what i'm doing and just... let go. Stop working, stop trying, stop wishing, stop being who i'm supposed to be. Go travel. But no money. People will always think, quitting is easier than holding on. Or changing is easier than staying here. People get tired eventually, of work. I don't know. It will either be good or bad. Either my next route will be better, or worse. Grass is always greener on the other side. Difficult. 3 years already. Someone said I shouldn't stay more than 2, but we both had stayed on for 3 years.

Now I just try to demand less, dont expect so much, I'm glad that I'm able to not emo so much, I used to feel very sad when being not-bothered, ignored, but now I am able to let it be, and just expect the unexpected. Pamper myself with a little of massaging treat and phood for myself. Just do what I like. Trying my best to make people smile. Trying my best to make people feel happy. I feel glad when they do. Thank people for being nice and polite, and thank people for being bad so that you know who's your real friend and those who couldn't care less. Just do what I can do, just do what i'm happy doing, don't wish to know what others think of me. Because when people say about you, you keep wondering and start feeling shitty for what people say about you.

Just some blah-ing. Feel better already. I thank God, thank my real friends and family who never distant me, for everyone who is willing to like me and still think of me once in awhile, for my adviser and guide. I wonder, if someday I hide myself for some time, who would be the ones who miss me and worry me and try to find me? Those will be the ones who care.

Love life. Be happy.

Busy Week

For the first time, I am so so so relieved that the week is over.

Chef was on leave the whole week, and continuously busy for the whole week. All sorts of special orders, all sorts of unwanted orders. It's just funny that when there's not enough staff they still wanna take in so many guests.

Attended the Going Green Live 2012 concert last week during Raya holidays. It's been a long while since I last see him. Well, not that I see him in near distance. I was sitting quite far away from the stage. And a very nice 'spot' near the stairs. Saw a lot of girls with heavy make up. He performed Yi Qi Dao Gao, Beutiful Onederful and Shi Jie Bu Hui Mo Ri. Hmm, somehow, something different. He sang the songs well, he performed well with Da Monster too, but, I guess it's because there was something lacking that he didn't manage to bring it out. He didn't joke a lot, he was... quiet. Just sing only. Didn't really joke. Maybe because it's not his own's show.

Went to Luna Bar the other day. We have been saying to go there for years. Finally we manage to go. Well, it's not as total classy as it sounded, in fact it felt hot and humid. But definitely it's a nice place! Romantic place for couples. Nice place to get tipsy. There was a couple we saw that might be, erm, 'curi makan'? :p

Where's the light at the end of the tunnel? Where's the love story that I always read/watch in novels or movies? :( I feel numb. How do couples live so happily together?

So looking forward for my long holidayyyyyyyy... but still so long more.

Friday, August 03, 2012

C'est La Vie

C'est la vie, c'est la vie, c'est la vie.

Yes, this is life, this is life, this... is life.

What's up with me? Still alive. My hair's much longer now. Still as short (fun-sized, not short). Still drink once in awhile, more like every 2 days. Still yeemo. Still single. Still working in the same place.

Life's been treating me good. I'm still food hunting, travelling once in awhile, hanging out with my les amis (friends in French) when I get to. Seriously, time is not enough! One off day is not enough. On Sundays are the only day I can rest, and if you stay at home, you don't meet your friends. When you meet your family, you don't get to meet with your friends. When you meet with your friends, you don't get to eat with your family. And to meet with different group of friends, you need different Sundays, different times and a whole lot of Sundays, which I want to rest as well. And which I want to bake sometimes, or cook, or go exercise, or just do nothing and just hide under the blankets alone. And then I don't get to meet my friends. The circle goes round and round. And you just feel like doing different things with different people every time. And then my baking list goes longer and longer.

Not much photography done, my canon 1000d officially broke up with me, now I am using my brother's nikon, which I am not used to, and didn't spend time taking nice phood or pics.

Had a trip down South to Singapore few weeks back with my 6 buddies in secondary school. Went to Universal Studio to find my bumblebee, and went to a place called Timbre for dinner and drinks. With live band. Niceee. Any place like that in KL? Not blasting musics with the speaker right next to you and you can't even chat, but just a good live band with lots of beers.

Work wise, we strive and thrive, strike and survive. Everyday is a different story, a different chapter in our lives. We work, we learn, we teach, we learn through it and we listen. I compare a recent photo with a photo of the team back in 2009 when I first joined, the circle is a new circle now. Different people, different attitudes, different mindsets, different personalities. Those were the days I missed.

These few days I heard a lot of opinions and thoughts on relationships, women, men. Really a lot. What women think about men and what men think about women. You don't hint men. They don't get hints. They are straight forward people. Women think too much, even if you are straight forward, they think you are saying something else. Singles envy couples, but doesn't mean every couple are that happy after all. Of course MOST of them do, lovey dovey and sweet all the time, but sometimes you will be surprised when it feels stagnant, or how it's out of your expectation when you hear what women and men said or feel. People say long term stagnant relationships don't last, but I have various friends who are as sweet as ever. I guess it's that people feel bored after sometime and both need to put in sparks once in awhile, both have to put in efforts in it. In one, I act as a middle person but not wanting to interrupt anything at all. In another, I wish I can help but it's none of my business at all. Love is blind, oh yes I totally agree. Really blind. Love can make you do all sorts of things. Things that you feel so happy about. Yet it can also make you suffer like hell. You might be scolding 'be more rational! Use your brain!' you need to use both your brain and heart to feel and think, but often when you see the situation, you really don't know what you can feel or think at all.

Well, we feel happy is because things happened as we expect it to be, or more than what we expect it to be. And we feel sad or disappointed is when the thing didn't go our way that we wanted it to be. Expect the unexpected. My quote of life. It happened many many times to me. And I really, really have to agree to it. Be grateful, expect the least. Humans always have expectations, it's impossible that people don't expect anything at all. I'm learning my way to expect the least, and trust me, you'd be much happier like that. Much, much, much happier. Complain less, enjoy more, and if it doesn't go my way, it's fate, what can you do? Just live on and there's definitely other options. If I lose my job one day, even if I work as a dish washer, a ticket vendor or whatever, I still earn some!

Definitely being single for so long I do envy and feel lonely and for sure would like to have someone with me, but we can't force our way into it. I always believe in fate, and still waiting for the right one to find me.

Nowadays you hear so much, wayyyyy too much cases on rapes, robberies, thefts, murders. Argh... what's wrong with you people! You have hands, go work your own living! They didn't kill your family, why kill people! Even if they did kill your family, you don't have to be a murderer! And rapists, go satisfy yourself with someone else la! If you want to rob, just rob! Don't have to rape or kill! Grrr. If want to rob also rob richer people. May the lights guide you all. Sigh. So saddening. And you all are not making things interesting! You all are making the world a worse place to be!

I have so many things and projects that I want to do, but ... may I have the strength to keep them going on till I realize all these desires?

I shall go grab a drink and then get some sleep. Going for a trip with my friends to Kampar and Cameron this weekend. Till we meet again.

Good night.

Jess Lee - Jian Ao (Suffering) 李佳薇-煎熬


李佳薇 - 煎熬

早  知  道    你 只  是  飞  鸟
拥   抱  後    手   中    只  剩    下    羽 毛
当   初  你 又  何 必 浪   费
那 麽 多  咖 啡  和 玫  瑰    来  打 扰

我 想   要    安 静   的 思 考
天   平   上      让   爱 恨  不 再    动   摇
一 想    你 就  平   衡   不 了
我 关   灯   还  是  关   不 掉     这  风   暴
心  一 跳     爱 就  开  始  煎   熬
每  一 分    每  一 秒
火  在  烧     烧   成    灰  有  多  好
叫   思 念     不 要  吵
我 相    信  我 已 经   快   要
快   要  把 你 忘   掉
跟  寂 寞     再  和 好

得 不 到    也 不 要  乞 讨
怎  麽 做    不 需 要  别  人
转    告    在  陷   的 太  深   的 海  底
我 也 只  剩    下  我 自 己   能   依 靠

心  一 跳     爱 就  开  始  煎   熬
每  一 分    每  一 秒
火  在  烧     烧   成    灰  有  多  好
叫   思 念     不 要  吵
我 相    信  我 已 经   快   要
快   要  把 你 忘   掉
跟  寂 寞   再  和 好

我 相    信  我 已 经   快   要
是  真   的 我 快   要
快   要  可 以 微  笑
去 面   对    下  一 个   拥   抱
(Taken from: onlynickie)

Zao zhi dao, ni zhi shi fei niao
Yong bao hou, shou zhong zhi sheng xia, yu mao
Dang chu ni you he bi lang fei
Na me duo ka fei he mei gui, lai da rao
Wo xiang yao, an jing de si kao
Tian ping shang, rang ai hen bu zai, dong yao
Yi xiang ni jiu ping heng bu liao
Wo guan deng hai shi guan bu diao, zhe feng bao

*Xing yi tiao, ai jiu kai shi jian ao
Mei yi fen, mei yi miao
Huo zai shao, shao cheng hui you duo hao
Jiao si nian, bu yao chao
Wo xiang xin wo yi jing kuai yao
Kuai yao ba ni wang diao
Gen ji mo, zai he hao*

De bu dao, ye bu yao qi tao
Zen me zuo, bu xu yao bie ren
Zhuan gao, zai xian de tai shen de hai di
Wo ye zhi sheng xia wo zi ji, neng yi kao

Repeat Chorus **

Wo xiang xin wo yi jing kuai yao
Shi zhen de wo kuai yao
Kuai yao ke yi wei xiao
Qu mian dui, xia yi ge, yong bao

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Today don't seemed right. Different. It felt weird. It felt ... sad. Troubled, moody, yeemo.

I know what it felt like...

It felt like...


You didn't smile.

How come it hurts not seeing you smile?

My heart is like a complicatedly tangled knot that couldn't be loosen.

Twisted, tight, curled, locked.

Time will heal, but it will take a long long time.

I pretend that I don't see, I don't hear, because it hurts, but i'm used to it. I choose not to know now.

Counting the days, for some days it's gonna be worst, and some days things could be so beautiful.

If you go on a holiday, please bring back some happiness for me as souvenir.

Counting the days to say goodbye.

Hopefully someday I will find my sunshine.

All I want is for you to be happy. As long as I see you smile. Real smile. Love your smile.

When someone's sad, no matter how hard you try, they will still feel sad. You can't force it.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Hong Kong Trip 2011

I had the opportunity to go to Hong Kong for holiday last year. I wanted to go somewhere new, I wanted a holiday, so my parents decided that we visit Hong Kong as they have not been there for more than 20 years after they went there when they got married, and even so they were stucked in the hotel last time due to typhoon, how unfortunate.

It was a... hmm, I would say good trip, but not great. We went at the end of November, so it was quite cold for me. Well, around 14'c - 17'c but to me it was freaking cold already. We followed tour, there were free and easy time for us so I thought it was good as we would be able to have more free time to ourselves rather than following those full time tours.

I would say that you wouldn't need a tour to go to Hong Kong. Transportation and directions around Hong Kong are very, very clear and convenient. There is the monorail that is so convenient and on time and it has stops at almost every part of Hong Kong.

I always thought that Hong Kong is a one-piece-land-country but until then only I know that there's two parts. There's like a tunnel that links both sides.

The tour includes 2 days passes to Disneyland (If you don't have kids/time, one full day would be enough), one-day pass to Ocean Park, passes to Ngong Ping hill which include tour on the hill (dai yu san), and a half day Hong Kong city tour. We went Disneyland for the fireworks of course, twice, it's presented daily, it was beautiful of course, but should have just spent one day there. On the day of the free and easy, we had to use it to go to Ocean Park, so wasted another day there. It was my first time seeing dolphins, but my parents said that it's still the same as 20 years ago, nothing special.

The half day city tour just bring you around to the harbour, taking group photos and end up acting pity faces asking you to buy the photo from them, bring you to feng shui jewellery shop and herbs shop and giving you an 'optional' tour where you fork out more money to continue the day with another half day tour. So then we went to Women's Street (for just one hour), Madame Tussaud wax museum & The Peak, Avenue of Stars, and a meal which includes the famous dry roasted goose.

I didn't enjoy myself eating Hong Kong delicacies because I was scolded for taking styrofoam for just buying a stick of curry fish ball, I didn't get to eat stinky tofu as I didn't manage to search for it, I didn't manage to eat a lot of Hong Kong snacks. I didn't had the chance to explore those famous streets like Mongkok or Tsim Tsa Tsui or Causeway Bay. I did manage to eat at few char chan tengs, well, they're just like our coffee shops here, some are nice, some are not, but no doubt their milk teas are awesome everywhere. Just like their egg tarts, roasted goose/duck, dim sums, some are nice some are not.It was overall ok, just not as enjoyable as I expect it would be. Definitely would go back again, free and easy of course, just to eat my stinky tofu and all other goodies. My friend suggested a must-try called "Aussie Dairy" at Jordan Road. Hmm, curiousity kills.

Sunday, January 01, 2012

Happy New Year 2012

Wishing everyone
Happy New Year
Blessed 2012
May all your dreams come true
Be happy and healthy