Sunday, August 26, 2012

There are certainly many things in life, you will never get to know the reason or answers behind them. Things that you don't understand, because you never experience or feel it before. You think you know the people that you know, but actually you don't. You think that person is good, but you realize they're not.

I'm happy with what I have currently, I have the ability to earn my own money, although I haven't earn enough to pay for where I'm living now. I have friends, family, colleagues. I have happy people around me whose jokes make me laugh. I have the ability to smile. I have hands and legs that I can work with. I am normal.

I'm just human. I cry too. I feel sad too. I feel lonely too. Very very lonely at times. Living in a house big enough yet it does feel empty. Being single for so long, i envy couples. Each and every couple. Even my parents. And especially when you recently see very sweet couples, and having sweet couples around you. I don't really know what is the most important thing in relationships, but I guess one word says it all - LOVE. Both sides have to give and take. I don't know how couples can maintain. It's really respectful. It's weird when you see ego guys being sweet and lovey, it's funny how love makes human do. Hopefully I will find someone in the future. Hopefully. I'm scared too. I am scared halfway it'll end. I want to have 10yrs, 20 yrs, 30 yrs anniversary, not heart-breaking ones. I want "someone like you", someone better even. But I am nobody to demand for such great partner. Choosy, someone said, i know. I still believe in fate. No matter what.

I did wonder what if I did accept him last time, would I still be in a relationship right now?  But things happen for a reason. The strong 'no' that I felt inside when he asked. If i did, he wouldn't be so loving with her now :)

Sometimes i feel like just drive aimlessly, until I find a place where I feel good. Sometimes, I just wish to go to the beach and scream my lungs out, hoping it will make me feel better. Or perhaps I should just learn from the movie Prom, bury my head in the pillow and scream so that no one hears me, and then get back to life. Sometimes it's not that I love to cry, I can even cry in a comedy, I can just cry after I laugh. It's just it does make me feel better, sometimes. Sometimes it makes me feel worse though. Contradicting.

I found so many 'feelings' in this chinese page in fb, which most are how I feel, which means that a lot of people in this world feels the same, or perhaps worse. I am grateful that I'm just feeling heartaches, where there are other people in this world are suffering from physical, surgical, mental, torturous pain. Heartaches are for real though. They really do ache. And you really can feel the 'pain', really.

I used to think that people who commit suicide are stupid. I still think they are. But I understand why they did it. That crucial moment where the tension or stress or sadness or yeemo is at its climax, you just feel like you have no meaning to live on anymore, that feeling where no one will care, no one will forgive, that you are totally a failure, that's where all these 'devil thoughts' make them end their own life. Just like someone said, they chose to face death than to face their own life. I really wanted to once, not anymore. Thanks to someone.

Sometimes I wish i can just stop doing things and just... stop. Just let go of what i'm doing and just... let go. Stop working, stop trying, stop wishing, stop being who i'm supposed to be. Go travel. But no money. People will always think, quitting is easier than holding on. Or changing is easier than staying here. People get tired eventually, of work. I don't know. It will either be good or bad. Either my next route will be better, or worse. Grass is always greener on the other side. Difficult. 3 years already. Someone said I shouldn't stay more than 2, but we both had stayed on for 3 years.

Now I just try to demand less, dont expect so much, I'm glad that I'm able to not emo so much, I used to feel very sad when being not-bothered, ignored, but now I am able to let it be, and just expect the unexpected. Pamper myself with a little of massaging treat and phood for myself. Just do what I like. Trying my best to make people smile. Trying my best to make people feel happy. I feel glad when they do. Thank people for being nice and polite, and thank people for being bad so that you know who's your real friend and those who couldn't care less. Just do what I can do, just do what i'm happy doing, don't wish to know what others think of me. Because when people say about you, you keep wondering and start feeling shitty for what people say about you.

Just some blah-ing. Feel better already. I thank God, thank my real friends and family who never distant me, for everyone who is willing to like me and still think of me once in awhile, for my adviser and guide. I wonder, if someday I hide myself for some time, who would be the ones who miss me and worry me and try to find me? Those will be the ones who care.

Love life. Be happy.

Busy Week

For the first time, I am so so so relieved that the week is over.

Chef was on leave the whole week, and continuously busy for the whole week. All sorts of special orders, all sorts of unwanted orders. It's just funny that when there's not enough staff they still wanna take in so many guests.

Attended the Going Green Live 2012 concert last week during Raya holidays. It's been a long while since I last see him. Well, not that I see him in near distance. I was sitting quite far away from the stage. And a very nice 'spot' near the stairs. Saw a lot of girls with heavy make up. He performed Yi Qi Dao Gao, Beutiful Onederful and Shi Jie Bu Hui Mo Ri. Hmm, somehow, something different. He sang the songs well, he performed well with Da Monster too, but, I guess it's because there was something lacking that he didn't manage to bring it out. He didn't joke a lot, he was... quiet. Just sing only. Didn't really joke. Maybe because it's not his own's show.

Went to Luna Bar the other day. We have been saying to go there for years. Finally we manage to go. Well, it's not as total classy as it sounded, in fact it felt hot and humid. But definitely it's a nice place! Romantic place for couples. Nice place to get tipsy. There was a couple we saw that might be, erm, 'curi makan'? :p

Where's the light at the end of the tunnel? Where's the love story that I always read/watch in novels or movies? :( I feel numb. How do couples live so happily together?

So looking forward for my long holidayyyyyyyy... but still so long more.

Friday, August 03, 2012

C'est La Vie

C'est la vie, c'est la vie, c'est la vie.

Yes, this is life, this is life, this... is life.

What's up with me? Still alive. My hair's much longer now. Still as short (fun-sized, not short). Still drink once in awhile, more like every 2 days. Still yeemo. Still single. Still working in the same place.

Life's been treating me good. I'm still food hunting, travelling once in awhile, hanging out with my les amis (friends in French) when I get to. Seriously, time is not enough! One off day is not enough. On Sundays are the only day I can rest, and if you stay at home, you don't meet your friends. When you meet your family, you don't get to meet with your friends. When you meet with your friends, you don't get to eat with your family. And to meet with different group of friends, you need different Sundays, different times and a whole lot of Sundays, which I want to rest as well. And which I want to bake sometimes, or cook, or go exercise, or just do nothing and just hide under the blankets alone. And then I don't get to meet my friends. The circle goes round and round. And you just feel like doing different things with different people every time. And then my baking list goes longer and longer.

Not much photography done, my canon 1000d officially broke up with me, now I am using my brother's nikon, which I am not used to, and didn't spend time taking nice phood or pics.

Had a trip down South to Singapore few weeks back with my 6 buddies in secondary school. Went to Universal Studio to find my bumblebee, and went to a place called Timbre for dinner and drinks. With live band. Niceee. Any place like that in KL? Not blasting musics with the speaker right next to you and you can't even chat, but just a good live band with lots of beers.

Work wise, we strive and thrive, strike and survive. Everyday is a different story, a different chapter in our lives. We work, we learn, we teach, we learn through it and we listen. I compare a recent photo with a photo of the team back in 2009 when I first joined, the circle is a new circle now. Different people, different attitudes, different mindsets, different personalities. Those were the days I missed.

These few days I heard a lot of opinions and thoughts on relationships, women, men. Really a lot. What women think about men and what men think about women. You don't hint men. They don't get hints. They are straight forward people. Women think too much, even if you are straight forward, they think you are saying something else. Singles envy couples, but doesn't mean every couple are that happy after all. Of course MOST of them do, lovey dovey and sweet all the time, but sometimes you will be surprised when it feels stagnant, or how it's out of your expectation when you hear what women and men said or feel. People say long term stagnant relationships don't last, but I have various friends who are as sweet as ever. I guess it's that people feel bored after sometime and both need to put in sparks once in awhile, both have to put in efforts in it. In one, I act as a middle person but not wanting to interrupt anything at all. In another, I wish I can help but it's none of my business at all. Love is blind, oh yes I totally agree. Really blind. Love can make you do all sorts of things. Things that you feel so happy about. Yet it can also make you suffer like hell. You might be scolding 'be more rational! Use your brain!' you need to use both your brain and heart to feel and think, but often when you see the situation, you really don't know what you can feel or think at all.

Well, we feel happy is because things happened as we expect it to be, or more than what we expect it to be. And we feel sad or disappointed is when the thing didn't go our way that we wanted it to be. Expect the unexpected. My quote of life. It happened many many times to me. And I really, really have to agree to it. Be grateful, expect the least. Humans always have expectations, it's impossible that people don't expect anything at all. I'm learning my way to expect the least, and trust me, you'd be much happier like that. Much, much, much happier. Complain less, enjoy more, and if it doesn't go my way, it's fate, what can you do? Just live on and there's definitely other options. If I lose my job one day, even if I work as a dish washer, a ticket vendor or whatever, I still earn some!

Definitely being single for so long I do envy and feel lonely and for sure would like to have someone with me, but we can't force our way into it. I always believe in fate, and still waiting for the right one to find me.

Nowadays you hear so much, wayyyyy too much cases on rapes, robberies, thefts, murders. Argh... what's wrong with you people! You have hands, go work your own living! They didn't kill your family, why kill people! Even if they did kill your family, you don't have to be a murderer! And rapists, go satisfy yourself with someone else la! If you want to rob, just rob! Don't have to rape or kill! Grrr. If want to rob also rob richer people. May the lights guide you all. Sigh. So saddening. And you all are not making things interesting! You all are making the world a worse place to be!

I have so many things and projects that I want to do, but ... may I have the strength to keep them going on till I realize all these desires?

I shall go grab a drink and then get some sleep. Going for a trip with my friends to Kampar and Cameron this weekend. Till we meet again.

Good night.

Jess Lee - Jian Ao (Suffering) 李佳薇-煎熬


李佳薇 - 煎熬

早  知  道    你 只  是  飞  鸟
拥   抱  後    手   中    只  剩    下    羽 毛
当   初  你 又  何 必 浪   费
那 麽 多  咖 啡  和 玫  瑰    来  打 扰

我 想   要    安 静   的 思 考
天   平   上      让   爱 恨  不 再    动   摇
一 想    你 就  平   衡   不 了
我 关   灯   还  是  关   不 掉     这  风   暴
心  一 跳     爱 就  开  始  煎   熬
每  一 分    每  一 秒
火  在  烧     烧   成    灰  有  多  好
叫   思 念     不 要  吵
我 相    信  我 已 经   快   要
快   要  把 你 忘   掉
跟  寂 寞     再  和 好

得 不 到    也 不 要  乞 讨
怎  麽 做    不 需 要  别  人
转    告    在  陷   的 太  深   的 海  底
我 也 只  剩    下  我 自 己   能   依 靠

心  一 跳     爱 就  开  始  煎   熬
每  一 分    每  一 秒
火  在  烧     烧   成    灰  有  多  好
叫   思 念     不 要  吵
我 相    信  我 已 经   快   要
快   要  把 你 忘   掉
跟  寂 寞   再  和 好

我 相    信  我 已 经   快   要
是  真   的 我 快   要
快   要  可 以 微  笑
去 面   对    下  一 个   拥   抱
(Taken from: onlynickie)

Zao zhi dao, ni zhi shi fei niao
Yong bao hou, shou zhong zhi sheng xia, yu mao
Dang chu ni you he bi lang fei
Na me duo ka fei he mei gui, lai da rao
Wo xiang yao, an jing de si kao
Tian ping shang, rang ai hen bu zai, dong yao
Yi xiang ni jiu ping heng bu liao
Wo guan deng hai shi guan bu diao, zhe feng bao

*Xing yi tiao, ai jiu kai shi jian ao
Mei yi fen, mei yi miao
Huo zai shao, shao cheng hui you duo hao
Jiao si nian, bu yao chao
Wo xiang xin wo yi jing kuai yao
Kuai yao ba ni wang diao
Gen ji mo, zai he hao*

De bu dao, ye bu yao qi tao
Zen me zuo, bu xu yao bie ren
Zhuan gao, zai xian de tai shen de hai di
Wo ye zhi sheng xia wo zi ji, neng yi kao

Repeat Chorus **

Wo xiang xin wo yi jing kuai yao
Shi zhen de wo kuai yao
Kuai yao ke yi wei xiao
Qu mian dui, xia yi ge, yong bao