Saturday, December 31, 2011

Last day of 2011

Here I am sitting at Toast Box MV blogging on the last day of 2011. The mall is crowded with people, almost every shop is having their year end sale, i see boyfriends and husbands standing outside Vincci waiting for their other half doing their shoes shopping :p

How do i feel about 2011? Hmm, it's been tough honestly. Tough in the sense of emotionally. My 2011 was filled with much much emotions, mixtures of complicated feelings. There are good sides of it of course, and bad ones as well.

I experienced new things, such as going for marathons, I visited a new country which is Hong Kong. I am still able to find time to get together with my school and college mates whom we don't get to meet often.

I am grateful that i have friends and family who are very supportive and do include me in many activities. I sometimes do feel that due to my working hours and that i'm not a nice person to hang out with that people wont want to include me in their outings, but i'm grateful that i do get to join them. Thinking too much maybe.

I learned that there are stages in treating your friends, your loved ones and your family. I learned that there are limits, there are gaps, there are things that can be said, things that can't be said. Sometimes, truths are the words that can't be said. And sometimes, people just don't tell what's inside their heart. Express your words to your loved ones before everything becomes too late. Let them know how you feel before you regret.

I learned that health is a very important thing. I see people falling sick very frequently. Please take care of your health because without good health, nothing can be done well.

I learned that if you want to do something, you need to spend time, keep trying, have patience and do it whole heartedly to get the result that you want. I see the way my parents plant the plants in Seremban, they spend hours digging, plucking weeds under the hot sun, wrapping the fruits one by one, separating chicken dungs. They failed at some cuz some of the plants die, but they just shrug it off and plant new ones. Hmm, something to learn.

I learned that some things will never be the same again once it's gone, once you cut the string, it cant be put back together like how it supposed to be. No matter how much you pray or hope. Miracles do not happen, just like fairy tales does not exist in the real world. I learned that envy and jealousy really can kill. It did, it killed me. I've yet to forgive myself, and don't think that I'll be forgiven. Don't deserve anything. Wouldn't ask, couldn't ask. The grass is greener on the other side. I can even envy a girl I don't know on the street, thinking she's so pretty, her body is so nice. We'll never stop wanting to know, wanting to ask, wanting to question, wanting to understand, but often there are things you wouldn't be able to know or understand no matter how much you wish to.

10 years back we asked ourselves during high school how will we be when we're 25. Now that we're 25, we'd rather go back to 10 years ago, and also we wonder what's it gonna be like tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, everyday hoping for a better tomorrow, wishing that we didn't make so much mistakes, didn't caused so much sorrows, hoping that we didn't hurt people so much, wishing it didn't hurt so much as well.

I don't count myself being a good person this year, because I seemed to caused a lot of mistakes, fume and sadness to others. Rather than feeling good, i feel my self esteem went down, a lot. I lost some confidence in myself, in terms of erm... socializing i would say. Sometimes it felt like, everything I do or say seems to be wrong, seems to create anger. Nothing seems right. I need to learn so much more in treating my friends and family good, need to learn so much more not to create sins.

It wasn't a bad year for me, nor very good. There's so much more that I need to learn, that is. A lot a lot a lot a lot to learn. I have to remain 'expect the unexpected'. I have to learn not to expect. I have to learn to be good.

Happy new year to everyone out there. Have a great 2012. May you achieve more. May you be blessed with love, joy, happiness, great health and great wealth always.

-I'm sorry I over reacted, no matter what, just call my name and i'll be there when you needed.
-Thank you for being in my 2011.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Updates 2011

A year and a half has passed since i last updated my this blog. Last time, it used to be a daily thing to blog, now it's ran into hibernation. Not that I don't online, I still online, but slightly less frequent, and with all the current new things online like voucher buying, online shopping, food blogs hopping, facebooking, there seems to be more things to see in less time =_="

Well, well, what happened to me in the past a year and a half? Hmm, nothing unusual, nothing great, small achievements here and there, and also a lot of ups and downs. A lot of tears but a lot of laughters as well.

Someone once told me that you wouldn't know if you've never been there, you wouldn't understand if you never experience it before. Now i know what he means. You wouldn't know how happy is happy or how sad is sad if something happened more than what you expect, you wouldn't know how much you disappointed others until you heard/saw their thoughts/expression. You wouldn't feel what it's like until you reach that level, whatever level it is.

Last year, I said that I learned a lot. A lot, a lot. This year I learned more and more, a lot a lot a lot a lot. I guess it goes on and on every year. I failed to be good this year, mad at myself for failing what i promised, crossing the border. I caused myself very very unhappy this year, cuz of myself. It was painful, really really painful, was at the edge of breaking down and depression. But luckily things didn't go beyond. I can be very happy at one moment, and then sad the next. People say the past is the past, forget it and move ahead. Not easy for me. Or perhaps all girls will always remember the past, every detail, every word, every piece of memory. Be it a good memory or a bad memory. People say forgive and forget, i don't know if i'm forgiven or not, but i guess no matter what, scars always remain.

This year I enjoyed myself a lot with my 2 angels, family. Didn't do a lot of jalan jalan cari makan to try new food but hopefully i'll still get to next year. A lot of things want to do, but still left undone, haven't achieve. Hopefully i will.

This year, I learnt that this world really macam macam ada. All sorts, all kinds. "Expect the unexpected" is so so true. You wouldn't expect it would be like that. You wouldn't expect people to change to become a total different person. "Never judge a book by its cover" you wouldn't expect someone that you see is a good person to be the other way round. Scary... scary in a psychological way. And you wouldn't expect people to bang your car and then scold you instead of apologizing. Sigh. I also learnt not to trust strangers.

I think a lot about relationships and love. You will learn a lot after watching 'You're The Apple Of My Eye' :p The feelings when you look at the one you like walking down the aisle. No doubt will yearn to be in one, but i understand never to rush. I'm not desperate. Definitely will envy at happy couples and wish for one to care for but it's not my fate yet :) Single is good in some ways also. Love is all about trust for each other, neverending tolerance, patience and love for each other. it's not measured by how expensive the gift is, what brand of handbag or perfume. It's the communication and bond between two lovers. Something that only both of them will know and what others wouldn't understand. I don't need flowers, I don't need rings, I don't need gifts, to me, if to me, it's all the small little memories that matters the most :)

Work wise, I'm currently back at the meat section. Long way to go, long long way to go. Definitely is a challenge, the most challenging section has yet to come, but meat is still a very challenging one to me. People come, people go. Year end is super busy period. Hopefully I still can get through it all. Hmm.

Aiming a lot on travelling to at least 1 new country every year, hopefully can achieve, and hopefully got enough money to achieve :p And also to travel to new domestic nature area as well. Photography, diving, cooking, baking, travelling, blogging etc etc etc... so many things.

This year I started getting involved in marathons. Just managed to join three so far, one was the Taylor's College charity run 5km, one was Siemens Run 10km and just today I done the Nike Run 10km. Not a sporty person but it's definitely a good try. Siemens one was kinda tough, I walked more than run. Nike one i pushed myself to run as much as I could, I force myself to run uphill, I managed to run 3km without stopping, the last 4km was tough. I thought I did better than I expect but hmm, not really. Really salute those who run non stop. All these there were no finishing medals so no medals this year :( Better luck next year.

So much more to achieve, so much more to learn, so much more to be a better person. I guess things will never ever be the same anymore, hopefully scars will fade, and hopefully it will be a better tomorrow, a happier tomorrow. Just give and don't expect anything in return, you'll definitely feel better.