There are certainly many things in life, you will never get to know the reason or answers behind them. Things that you don't understand, because you never experience or feel it before. You think you know the people that you know, but actually you don't. You think that person is good, but you realize they're not.
I'm happy with what I have currently, I have the ability to earn my own money, although I haven't earn enough to pay for where I'm living now. I have friends, family, colleagues. I have happy people around me whose jokes make me laugh. I have the ability to smile. I have hands and legs that I can work with. I am normal.
I'm just human. I cry too. I feel sad too. I feel lonely too. Very very lonely at times. Living in a house big enough yet it does feel empty. Being single for so long, i envy couples. Each and every couple. Even my parents. And especially when you recently see very sweet couples, and having sweet couples around you. I don't really know what is the most important thing in relationships, but I guess one word says it all - LOVE. Both sides have to give and take. I don't know how couples can maintain. It's really respectful. It's weird when you see ego guys being sweet and lovey, it's funny how love makes human do. Hopefully I will find someone in the future. Hopefully. I'm scared too. I am scared halfway it'll end. I want to have 10yrs, 20 yrs, 30 yrs anniversary, not heart-breaking ones. I want "someone like you", someone better even. But I am nobody to demand for such great partner. Choosy, someone said, i know. I still believe in fate. No matter what.
I did wonder what if I did accept him last time, would I still be in a relationship right now? But things happen for a reason. The strong 'no' that I felt inside when he asked. If i did, he wouldn't be so loving with her now :)
Sometimes i feel like just drive aimlessly, until I find a place where I feel good. Sometimes, I just wish to go to the beach and scream my lungs out, hoping it will make me feel better. Or perhaps I should just learn from the movie Prom, bury my head in the pillow and scream so that no one hears me, and then get back to life. Sometimes it's not that I love to cry, I can even cry in a comedy, I can just cry after I laugh. It's just it does make me feel better, sometimes. Sometimes it makes me feel worse though. Contradicting.
I found so many 'feelings' in this chinese page in fb, which most are how I feel, which means that a lot of people in this world feels the same, or perhaps worse. I am grateful that I'm just feeling heartaches, where there are other people in this world are suffering from physical, surgical, mental, torturous pain. Heartaches are for real though. They really do ache. And you really can feel the 'pain', really.
I used to think that people who commit suicide are stupid. I still think they are. But I understand why they did it. That crucial moment where the tension or stress or sadness or yeemo is at its climax, you just feel like you have no meaning to live on anymore, that feeling where no one will care, no one will forgive, that you are totally a failure, that's where all these 'devil thoughts' make them end their own life. Just like someone said, they chose to face death than to face their own life. I really wanted to once, not anymore. Thanks to someone.
Sometimes I wish i can just stop doing things and just... stop. Just let go of what i'm doing and just... let go. Stop working, stop trying, stop wishing, stop being who i'm supposed to be. Go travel. But no money. People will always think, quitting is easier than holding on. Or changing is easier than staying here. People get tired eventually, of work. I don't know. It will either be good or bad. Either my next route will be better, or worse. Grass is always greener on the other side. Difficult. 3 years already. Someone said I shouldn't stay more than 2, but we both had stayed on for 3 years.
Now I just try to demand less, dont expect so much, I'm glad that I'm able to not emo so much, I used to feel very sad when being not-bothered, ignored, but now I am able to let it be, and just expect the unexpected. Pamper myself with a little of massaging treat and phood for myself. Just do what I like. Trying my best to make people smile. Trying my best to make people feel happy. I feel glad when they do. Thank people for being nice and polite, and thank people for being bad so that you know who's your real friend and those who couldn't care less. Just do what I can do, just do what i'm happy doing, don't wish to know what others think of me. Because when people say about you, you keep wondering and start feeling shitty for what people say about you.
Just some blah-ing. Feel better already. I thank God, thank my real friends and family who never distant me, for everyone who is willing to like me and still think of me once in awhile, for my adviser and guide. I wonder, if someday I hide myself for some time, who would be the ones who miss me and worry me and try to find me? Those will be the ones who care.
Love life. Be happy.