Useless

I feel so useless all of the sudden.
Useless that I couldn't even help at all.
I used to think that I am a good listener.
Though I don't give much advices, but I listen to their problems.
I always tell myself to put myself into others' shoes,
in order for people to respect me, I must first respect them,
in order for people to be nice to me, I must first be nice to them.
Now only I realize that, it's not always like that.

是不是

本来想写关于TOR的。。。但是照片还未整理好。。。也很懒。。。

在这个繁忙的星球上，
是不是每个人都在需要你来做一些东西时，才来找你，对你好？
而当你没有利用价值的时候，就抛你在一边。
你的帮忙要被用到时，就很好心好意酱跟你说话，
过后？你的影子他都当看不到。

其实我在别人的心中，是个怎样的人呢？
有没有人能直率的告诉我啊？
我真的很想知道。
到底是他们的恶心，或是我其实是个坏人呢？！
是我很容易被用，或者天生人性就是这样啊？
是我不知自明以为我帮到忙，其实他人不想我在那吗？
我真的怕，因我的不好，而朋友都会逐渐离开我。
我真的怕，因为我不懂。

:'(

Belated Valentine's Day

Happy belated Valentine's Day! 情人节快乐! 不知道大家如何度过2009年的情人节呢？我啊，就去了ONE FM的LIVE CONCERT, 跟很多DJ，艺人共度最浪漫的情人节耶～有我的超级偶像DANELL啦，帅气偶像宇中啦，JOHN啦，伍家辉，曹格，卓文萱，温岚，郭晓薇，吴忠明，潘嘉丽，方炯镔，慢行还有一班DJ们-JEFF，SUMI，SUKI，JACK，KYAN，LUCAS，RYAN。

22年来，都没有庆祝过情人节，因为没有情人啊。但是刚才被人‘骂’了一顿说情人节也可以是跟朋友过的啊！今年跟很多朋友一起庆祝，不错嘛。

每个人心中都会有一个难忘的‘他’。一个在心里有着重要身份的‘他’。不要算父母啦，他们的位置都是最特殊的。我的那个‘他’，是一位普通朋友，是一位曾经同班三年的学生。当时，还在小学的我们，根本不知道什么叫恋爱，什么复杂的感情世界。但是在我心中却有着一个特别的地位。

认识他是小学二年级的事了，而且还是同一个体育队。那时的他，男生嘛，都是调皮，捣蛋的。 三年级有一次体育课后他不小心用体育衣打到我，把我弄哭了。给我朋友骂了一会，过后他道歉。也许他已不记得他说过什么，但是他那句话我一生都会记得。其实学校一直都有传我们俩的‘绯闻’（哈哈，太夸张了吧）可是就没有去真正的理解。

五年级，我考进了第一班，就没有和他说话了。有一次学校旅行，朋友告诉我说他有了女朋友，好失望哦，但又有什么办法？六年级合唱团比赛他帮忙搬用具，只是说了几句话。不是，才几个字而已。有次UPSR考完试我们因巴士在不同地方要朝反方向走，走过彼此就马上低下头看地上。

中学我们俩就读不同的学校，我有尝试写信给他，也许他没有收到吧。就这样，缘分已尽。可是，不知怎样，我们又遇到，现在也有保持联络 :)

也许有一天你会读到这一篇，想告诉你的是，看死你没有去留意或在乎一切曾经发生过的事情吧。但是你说过的那一句话，你写过的纪念册（你的字体很难看咧咔咔咔！），我们最后什么时候见面，一切我都会记得的。放心，现在你不是我所需要的人，但是以前你曾经是我一个很特别的普通朋友 :)

情人节快乐。

PS: Hope this won't haunt you for life :p

Insecure

是我不适人群吗？还是人群不适我？
是我太多要求了吗？还是我渴望太多？
是我的错吗？

Insecure. That's the word. The perfect word to describe my feelings now.

Was hee hee ha ha-ing just two hours ago, now I'm crying as much as I can. Mood swing, hmm.


Mixed feelings, I have all those 'what if' questions in my head now. CY is right, sometimes you tend to have a lot of things in the mind, and feel uncertain how things will turn out.

感觉上好像被隐瞒于很多事情。

感觉上我不再了解每个人了。


I changed. I really feel I've changed. I forget birthdays. I failed to surprise people. I lost the willpower to make people happy. 我变得不在乎了。不刻意中也会伤害到人，也伤害到自己。I guess I'm not that good anymore.

I am in LID - lost, insecure, depressed. I need a direction.

我是好人，也是个坏人

～ 你可以写东西来安慰我吗？

Some things are not meant to be shared...

3.39am

Supposed to be sleeping already, tomorrow is a long day...

Supposed to feel happy after seeing my idol just now... I am for seeing him, but am not for it being so short... And yes yes yes!! He played the piano. Superb *lum* *melted*

Supposed to not feel this way, but God knows why...

I realize my postings these days are very depressing to read... but I can't help it.

I guess, often, things are not meant to be shared. I guess, I expected too much. Many times, you thought it will happen this way, but it goes the other way. Many times, you thought you were the first, end up you're almost at the end of the race. It feels pretty awful when you were hidden from the truth. Truth that does not benefit them. What more, it sucks when rather than no truth at all, you were told lies.

Often I tell myself, not to expect too much. Not that it's the first time it's happening. Don't let someone become a priority in your life when you're just an option to them. Why is it always that, I think I am, but I'm actually way far behind. When you see a bright star in the sky, you don't realize the dim ones around. Maybe you did, but you're just attracted to the one and only bright one.

It's just so interesting seeing the different personalities in each person. Asking yourself, why is he like this, why is she like that. Subjective question, which is what makes life interesting.

I know, many truth, facts, secrets about me or related to me are hidden from me. Just as there are many things about others I do not disclose. I'll just keep these secrets to myself. Sorry. Not that I don't want to tell, nor that I don't treat you as a friend, it's just that... well... some things are just not meant to be shared.

Nervous and Anxious

Gan jiong gan jiong! I don't know what am I nervous for. But i'm seriously anticipating Danny's show on Friday. Can't wait! It feels like the show is tomorrow! As a matter of fact, it is! It's almost 3am now, Thursday. Yeah yeah, I should tell myself expect the unexpected. I'm expecting him to play the piano, but sources said he's not. I'm expecting him to do a GOOD show healthily! *namo namo* Let's hope history doesn't repeat itself again. I... guess we shouldn't expect much from just a one hour show. wtf.

Watched Madagascar 2 just now. It's funny!! More funny than touching. Still prefer the 1st one though. I like Alakay (as in baby Alakay), Mort, King Julien, the penguins, and of course Moto Moto! Wahahahaha! Lol! There's a lot of coming soon movies that I wanna watch!! Hotel For Dogs, Bedtime Stories.

Sigh, I'm back to my anxious self again. Emo, yes. I dreamt really funny things these few days. I dreamt of dinosaurs, I dreamt of holding a gun, firing it; I dreamt of killing someone and also saving someone. Can anyone analyse them for me. I seemed to disagree a lot with other people's ideas, I complain a lot about other people's work, speaking and thinking negative of anyone and anything...

Having a break so long is meant for me to find out what I really want to do, but, I still don't. Honestly, every time the issue of 'work' comes up, avoid is what I do best. I keep quiet, I walk away, I answer with words I never decided actually. Many said the first job is not important. It's just as an experience. If you don't like, then get a new one. Seriously, I envy those who enjoyed their first job. My perception is, I have to get a job that I will like. Which, I doubt it will happen, yet I still holding on to believe it. And again, 我不敢踏出第一步. I'm the type who easily fall into a dilemma situation, and I admit I'm greedy. Greedy in the sense that, I want both career and freedom, which is quite impossible to get in the hospitality industry, moreover in the operations side. I can't afford to lose my 'entertainment and leisure freedom' and time with my family and friends. It's what you have to sacrifice, but I can't. Not yet. Sigh!

Browsed through my photo albums with a friend last night. Those were the days, my friend. I missed those times. Those smiles. Those sincerity. Those innocence.

Can I?

There's many things I can do,
but I did not take action,
there's even more things I SHOULD do,
but somehow I failed to,
all I do is disappoint people,
especially my parents.

Life is about making decisions,
when you took the road,
one shall not regret the road not taken,
but have you wonder,
what if I took the other road?
What will happen?
Will it be better?

Different paths laid in front of me,
too many to choose from,
weighing what's good and not,
what if i travelled this and the others are somehow better?
what if i walked on and regret in the end?
Each path has its own temptations,
its own pros and cons,
different parts of my mind wants different roads,
instead of chances,
it became dilemmas.
The biggest of all, is the one least important,
yet, difficult to resist, hard to let go,
delayed, losing strength, determination falling apart,
faith is no longer in my hands,
self esteem shattered into pieces.

I have not found my rod,
but I'm still being fed with fishes daily,
what can be a wise decision when one is blurred with dilemmas?
Guidance is given, yet the path is in one's hand,
One choose their destiny, their future,
but what IS the destiny, what IS the future?
I can't think,
I don't know,
I'm unsure of.

I Hate Myself For... (Fill In The Blanks)

今天特别一些，想用华语来写我的小抄。为什么要用华语呢？其实没有什么特别的原因，特别嘛。

很快地，已经来到了08年的第九个月。很快地，还有四个月就要和2008说拜拜咯。真的觉得时间不是走，而是在飞，也飞得超快，虽然刚庆祝完国庆，但很快就要倒数新年来临的咯！

昨天，不，应该是前天，到了金河去参加倒数派对，因为我的最爱全都在那里，呵呵呵！约了11点到金河，出门时还好不塞车，竟然忘了带那些票！啊！笨到。转一大圈回去拿，然后第二轮去金河时竟然塞车！吃我最爱的金加利然后就去看排练，刚好铭少刚刚上台要唱了，嘻嘻，幸好赶得及看他。之后轮流都有歌手上台做sound check。我们除了去吃晚餐之外，一直都待在舞台旁。想下我们站了差不多12个小时，哇塞，晕～今年的国庆很冷淡，迎接国庆的气氛都几乎是零，我看一个两个都在忙于政治问题，连在派对的观众都不热情的。闷到。。。又热，又逼，又挤到变咸煎饼。。。最高潮都只是汉少和佑少玩小提琴，还有柏少压轴秀的时候咯。回到家已经是3点多了，冲凉倒头就沉睡了，连电话响都听不到，劲到。

很多时候，一个人会说他不介意其他人怎样看他。很多时候，一个人会说他不会去理其他人怎么说。很多时候，一个人会说他不想也不要去理会某某东西。很多时候，一个人会说某某东西不会影响到他的心情。我很想不要去介意，我很想不要去理会，我很想不要去想，我很想我的心情不被影响。‘比较’这两个字是很普偏，每个人都会把自己和某某个人放在一起看看谁比较好，谁比较不好。我很介意其他人怎么看我。我不否认我会拿自己与别人比较，但我不会去踩扁人家。我很不想去理会，我很不想去知道，但是不懂为什么我很介意他所写，他所说，他所表达的一切。一切是事实吗？我该相信吗？我该接受吗？

为什么有人无论吃几多都不会胖？为什么有人的脸皮可以那么厚？为什么有人一生出来就那么有钱？为什么有人的思想可以那么不理智？为什么你不会去为别人着想？为什么不用脑去想想才表达你的心声？

我变了。以前的我，很在意我身边的知己。但现在我渐渐把自己关进自己的笼子里。我不再去聆听朋友的心事，我不再去给予他们我的支持。我慢慢地已经失去了以前的我。自己一个人好像比较好。也许我想太多。也许我担心太多。唉，我都不懂我在讲什么。晚安。



～要有信心是一种挑战。

Going through...

Just got back from ss2 pasar malam and sooyin's birthday celebration at Kepong.

Happy Birthday again Sooyin!! You're the best gal! All the best in your future undertakings. Aherm aherm! kakaka.

The drive home alone just now was... hmm... how do I put it... unusual. Track 1 of Soler's X2 cd was repeating over and over again. Sometimes, it just feels good to be alone. And somehow, the chorus of this song always makes me cry. Yeah, I cried. All the way from TTDI back home. I guess, emoness strikes people at odd times.

At this very moment, I long to turn back into a kid. A kid with a simple mind of 'mommy, I want sweet' or 'Mommy, can I go out and play?'. I want to get away from the complicated, vicious relationships among adults. I want to leave this saturated, selfish world filled with hatred, jealousy, and lies. But, 'want to'? Hardy har har. These two words doesn't seem to exist in this world anymore. Things have become 'you have to' or 'you need to' or 'you must'. Options seemed to be a luxurious, high end product that you can never afford to pay for.

I'm in fear. I'm in doubt. I'm also in trouble. Aih. I guess I walked myself into trouble. I'm doubting my own capability. My own will. My own strength. I don't even trust myself, what for others to trust me? I shall hold on a few more days. Soon... very soon... I know I will breakdown... very, very soon.

Seriously, I'm tired. Very tired. Of everything. Maybe it's time, or a sign, for me to leave. Not to be so into it. I stepped into this trap, too deep that I can't possible dig my way out. Or is it that I never tried letting lose before? Hmm, I seriously don't know.

I just want to be a plain, normal person leading a simple life. I've walked past a lot of things in life without really appreciating them. I've let a lot of people down due to my own irresponsibilities. It's time for me to replace them. I guess all my friends had found jobs already. Whereas I am still lingering around doing NOTHING. Everyone had already braced themselves in doing important things in their lives but I am still being a useless piece of shyt.

I just want to see him everyday. See him sing makes me feel good. He makes us smile. But, who am I to say anything? I am a nobody. Ok, I think people happy also will feel depressed reading my blog. Signing off. Cheerio~ Hmm, I think it's good being a nobody though.

~ I just want to be simple and naive.

Sar si nan, sar si ni

Ok heck the title. It just came into my mind, but not knowing what it means.

Imagine your mother leaving a msg at your blog's chatbox: "This is your mother here. Just dropping by to say hi and nice blog." =_=" Ok, I'm imagining stuff up. But, I'm actually quite worried that my mom will 'so happened' visit my blog because she is SURFING MORE BLOGS THAN ME NOWADAYS! And she's BETTER IN SEARCH ENGINES THAN I AM!!! £)*&%$")(!()*£(*%£$_"(!*4*7!!!!

Nothing much, just hanged around with some friends. Phui San is leaving for UK next week, so met up with her and others. All the best in UK ya! ;) Gosh it's been so long since we meet each other, and the first thing we ask everyone was 'what are you doing now?' lol!

Went for F&N's Limited Edition Design drinks launch + competition + concert + whatever at The Curve. Ma derrr, so many people. But I enjoyed it! Danny sang 4 songs leh! Even though I was recording but it was a blast! Quite a lot of people were cheering for him :D The funny thing was, he came down from the stage, instead of moving towards him to shake hand or molest touch him or hug him or grab him, everyone moved backwards instead lol! He pitifully stood there looking left and right. So cute!! Oops. He was very open that night, inviting girls on stage lah, giving lotsa free hugs.

There were 3 new designs. One is Sarsi which has Danny's face on it, Ice Cream Soda which has Joe Flizzow, and Orange which has Meet Uncle Hussain.

Sarsi Boy *wub* (idea from Teng)

Wanted to go see Daniel just now in the afternoon geh at TTDI, but when I reached with YR, he is leaving in the car. Damn swt. Well, at least he saw us. Kakaka.

Then went to 1u to celebrate Kei's birthday :) Xing Xing!! Kekeke, happie burthday Pik Kei *lub*

God, please take away all my misery,
I just wished I know nothing,
I just hoped I have nothing to do with it,
but...
how can I trust anyone anymore?
No one.
Jealousy, secrets, selfishness.
I will find out the truth, someday, somewhere.
*YOU* beware.

Notes:
1. 3 ulcers in my mouth now, pain-ing!!
2. Kylie Kwong is coming to town! Wahoo!
3. Again, how can I trust anyone anymore?
4. I shall open few cafes in the future called 'Anything', 'Whatever', 'Cincai', 'Kau Kei' and 'Si Dan'.
5. Currently addicted to Vincy's 'Ai Yi Ge Ren Hao Lei'.
6. Danny One can draw really well!!! *hearts*
7. Craving for Kin Kin pan mee, roti bakar telur cheese, mushroom and cheese omelette, Kim Gary, fish head noodles, carbonara, caesar salad and many more!!! Arghh. I want food I need food, I want money I need money!
8. And, KNNCCB OMFG, my car petrol full tank is now RM90! Holy shyt! RM90 can buy so many things!
9. Finally, fine, everyone has watched KUNGFU PANDA! Grrrrrr!

Good night :)

Trust

WAS deprived of sleep, but now, even though I just had like 5 hours of sleep I don't feel like sleeping yet. Suddenly I felt like 24 hours a day is not enough. I need 48 hours! Have so many things piling up that I haven't do. Although I'm not working. I haven't even go find a part time job! (more like I don't want to ;p)

I remember I used to thought of doing some freelance baking and sell to friends. Well, I haven't actually plan my decision yet but this week I got my so called first 'job sheet'. Haha. Was asked by my ex-manager to bake a cake for his birthday. Recipe given, and hell the recipe was from those professional pastry magazines which was adapted from one 5-star hotel in Singapore if i'm not mistaken. Seriously I had NO confidence in doing it at all, I even wanted to say no. But due to being so last minute I just give it a go.

The base.

Assembling the cake.

Final product - Pineapple Basil Mousse Cake

Erm, I wouldn't say it's a success because the outer layer which supposed to be chocolate mousse didn't look how it supposed to be. Thank god for cocoa powder - a simple and effective decoration. Mwahaha :) Need more practice. Hopefully my manager don't get food poisoning after this. Anyway, Happy Birthday Oties! :)

Something made me realize that, it's really difficult to trust a person anymore. I guess many of you will also agree with me on this right? It makes me hesitate everyone and anyone. It makes me scared to voice out my secrets to anyone. It makes being alone something luxurious. From one party you hear the story goes like ABC. But from another person what you hear is CBA. Some people blame others when they are the one who did it. There are hidden truth, unspeakable truth. You won't even know what is the actual story, because everything sounds so real. Complaining about it will not do much good, you'll end up making it worse. You'll make people hate you. Maturity makes them so immature. WTF. Can't you just have a simple mind for god's sake. Fcuk it. In the end it is you complainers suffer. End up you being unhappy, unsatisfied. Because I'm enjoying myself :)

Recently, a lot of people has been telling me that my idol is awesome. Not just in singing, but also in appreciating his fans. Yeah, I have to agree with you guys. He really does. Yesterday he blogged saying a FRIEND actually asked him to send his new launched songs over. He said 'u as my friend never bother supporting me and my album, whereas a bunch of friends has always been supporting me, even though our distance is not near, but they never let me down, no doubt I appreciate them more.' Quote of the year: "一斑一直支持我的朋友,他们的距离不是很近.但是他们重来没有让我失望过,难怪我会比较注重他们"

He's also a very charitable guy. The other day during the auction he's like the tai kor walking around asking every artistes to share and bid. I think he himself donated at least RM1000 in this Szechuan Relief already.

Anyway, WWT, pokok and hutan, upon your requests :) Say Goodbye, new song by Danny. A lot of people love it. I heart it too. When you're emo, listen to it you will get one litre of tears. Har har.

Say Goodbye

Melody: Danny One
Lyrics: Danny One/Wayne Wang

Yan lei bu ting zai liu
Ying gai jiu shi fang shou de shi hou
Qing ni bu yao wei wo an nao
Gei guan xin yi xie bao liu
Hui yi rang ta yi jiu
Shi jian lue guo
Ming tian de wo men, dou hai hui hao hao de guo

Chorus:
Say Goodbye
Kuai yao fen kai
Wo he ni yi bu hui zai chong lai
Ye bu hui you yi lai

It’s all right
Yi jing ming bai
Bu xu yao shuo de ru ci tan bai
Yong wo de xian zai
Cheng quan ni de wei lai

Repeat

Say goodbye
Jiu kuai yao fen kai
Yi bu hui zai chong lai
No…
Ye bu hui zai you yi lai

It’s all right
Yi jing ming bai
Bu xu yao shuo de ru ci tan bai
Yong wo de xian zai
Cheng quan ni de wei lai

Emo-ness is contagious

Just yesterday I was asking two of my friends why is everyone so emo, cuz I noticed a few of my friends are not feeling very happy. Now it's my turn. Yes, emo-ness is contagious. And it badly affects one person. Grrrr.

That message totally spoiled my mood. My feelings from bright turned grey.
I seriously didn't expect it to come. (Huhf, expect the unexpected konon)
I was making plans for it, going along and stuff. But it was totally unexpected and I didn't know that I couldn't take it. Well, a bit the exagerating but I'm seriously damn sad. I cried on the way home and still crying now. So many things is on my mind now.

What if in 1 years time I'm not remembered and he struggles to recall my name? What if in 2 years time I'm totally forgotten and he couldn't be bothered remembering? What if in 3 years time... sigh, I dunno. Gosh, what's wrong with me.

I guess the pressure of looking for job and doing something is getting up on me.

PS: How does it feel watching movie alone...

~ Losing determination. Losing faith.

是时候计划了

很累。。昨晚才睡了5个小时。。。但是现在却不想睡。
比较想用华文来写这篇文章。发泄一下情绪。
昨天完成了在分店的训练，今天开始放假，到初五才开始在OFFICE/CK开工。

今天，全男班推介礼，齐齐献爱心。
辉少(ERIC)病了，而且很严重，生‘红尘’，但是他还坚持要到场！感动。
顺利地完成了这场活动，虽然不是说很精彩，但是总算做到好看！付出的钱和力都是值得的。
幕后花了很多时间来策划这个组合，在此对世纪音乐的每一位成员致敬！*感动*
玩得开开心心，都不想回家做功课。

也许我太强求了。。。以为自己的说服力不错。
可是大错特错。。。所谓红中一点绿，不适合是注定的。。。
也许他们全部都不喜欢我。觉得我好烦吧！
我现在知道，新加入一个稳固的团体是很难的。
或许他们会觉得我自以为是，自作聪明吧。

写着写着，眼泪不停地流。。。但是父母在我后面，要忍着。
认识了她近半年， 从同一个出发点认识到现在好朋友。
听着她一直以来生活的好与坏，坏多于好，真的是很心疼，很难过。
可是我又不知道可以怎样帮她。
只能陪他一起去’发泄‘咯。
为什么他人可以这样对她。世界上的给予孩子的爱心与关怀去了哪里？
明白单亲家庭出来是不好过，你放心，我家的门为你而开。

我又来了。。现在全部情绪参在一起，很烦恼啊！
做的东西，不比他们做的好。
给得东西，又不比他们好。
付出，能得到回报吗？需要吗？人家看到你的好吗？
你真的是好吗？他们真的会觉得你好吗？
你做的了多少？给的了多少？知道的又是多少？
反而之后会想更多，希望得更多，却得到失望。
人家’识你是老鼠‘吗？
你又不是他的谁，管你去死。
也许我在乎太多，想得太多了。

开始去想很多东西。。。尤其是自己的未来。。。
身为长女，不能再玩到癫了。
接下来10年，20年，都需要我去工作，赚钱。
爸妈就快退休了，弟弟还小，谁来供他读书如果不是我呢？
妈要我再读，去享受一下，不要那么快工作。
但是，我真的很怕有什么事会发生呢。。
我到底做得到吗？赚到吗？唉。。。

~ I hope I can just fade away.

It's funny...

It's funny how people you didn't really like in the first place becomes someone who's close to you in the end...

It's funny how things can be so different before and after...

It's funny how things can be such a shocking news to you when you least expected it...

It's funny how you can do so much for the person you love...

It's funny how mindset can change... two years ago you might say you'll never like A, two years later you're WITH A...

It's funny how you can fall for someone just like that... Is it love? or just admiration?

~ Don't treat me nice... I don't want to fall for you...
PS: Listen to No Secret's "I'll Remember You" (thanks Sheryl), Gary Chaw's "I'll Be There" (thanks Chingky) and Kwok Fai's "Yat Bak Sui". Darn nice songs.

Reality...

I guess I'm not strong-willed enough to make my resolution come true...
Instead of cutting down on phood, i seemed to be eating more!
Endless cravings within me. Hou crave em crave, crave for high carbo phood samore! Deng~
Really must stop dee. Say TAK NAK to carbo! Waa~~ I wanna be healthy and thin!

Okay, I'm supposed to be happy about it.
But I'm not! I should be but I didn't! I'm sick of it!
Instead, I'm annoyed with it. Well, not really annoyed, just a bit.
What's wrong with me!

In reality, people are all materialistic... What differs is only the degree of 'materialistic-ness'.
In reality, people are bias... Pilih kasih... Guys only care for pretty, slim girls... Who cares if your best friend is the friendliest girl in the world if she's ugly. People have intentions in their heart when they befriend you. Only when they want something from you, they'll be SUPER nice to you. For fcuks they care if you died centuries ago when you mean nothing to them.
Sorry, just wanna release my anger. This paragraph is just saying about particularly SOMEONE. Someone who's I'm sure not reading my blog. So, it's not talking about you k?
~ Wake up Eve, face the reality you dumbo, you're ugly and fat and you have zero value~

Something's Missing

My new year countdown was horrible... I went to Sungai Wang for the concert... 2nd year already... Last year I had a blast... Even though just after arguing with a friend. The recent countdown, some stupid Ah Bengs who stood behind me spoiled my mood. Damn blardy @ssholes... Curse them cannot get married, and even if they do, they won't get any kids. Phart phace. I've never seen people as hutan and as jakun and as sakai as them. Spoil the word 'sakai' only.

First, dah lah know gonna stand very long, bring lah water! When rela don't give them water, they keep shouting say rela tak bertimbang rasa. I so feel like turning around and give them my bottle and said 'if this bottle of water can shut ur blardy mouth, i'll give it to you'. Then they managed to get water from someone and they shouted to the rela 'I got water liao, no need urs!' KNN. And they took like 20 over bookmarks when the Digi yellow man give out. Say 'help u pass to the back' my foot lah! Samore lean on me to take. KNNCCB! And when 988 DJ give out goodie bags to Gary FC, one of them snatch one of the goodie bags from GFC! And, sik siu siu wanna ban doi biu... Don't even know who are the performers, wanna action they know the names... Orange they say Yu Heng... Think that they sing song damn nice like that... pitching so out. My ears also wanna go deaf liao... yucks... they din know justin's coming out after the fireworks, they asked like 20 times 'justin also haven't sing!', 'eh, y justin never come out one?' 'finish dy? *bad words* justin also haven't sing!' I beh ta han, turn around and said 'wait laH! he later only coming out' then they keep quiet... ishhhh~ Samore complain the dancers so fat and all... Halfway thru the show it rained and YR was holding umbrella, one of them syiok sendiri just stand under the umbrella ask YR to tumpang him... kns... slap kau them until their mother cannot recognize them baru tau...

Sorry lah... really beh ta han this kind of people... samore, legs tired dee squat down and smoke! Blardy hell! Not once but twice! Smelly like pharks... Talk so loud macam people around them are deaf like that... I think everybody around there also hate them... even ah kor told ML my face was like black charcoal from far... another friend of mine also said it was damn obvious... YR also said 'i can boil water already now' and keep trying to cool herself down... Even though I enjoyed the ending part of the concert, but it totally wracked my mood. Darn.

Fine... forget about it... Just some random pics for now...

Daniel and Alison, wishing you both everlasting love.

The cin cai girl, the sakai girl, the SAD girl and the SS boy.

Me and CY.

Me and Jeannie. And a turtle behind.

Me with the 3 orang gila that makes me tempted to move to Penang :)

4 new friends... My best trip to Penang so far. Thank you so much all of you *lub*

Besties forever. *heart*

Just now when I was walking down the escalator to my car, maybe due to the whole day facing the laptop, suddenly I felt like, there's something missing from my life. I don't know what, but it's that SOMETHING. Suddenly had the urge to just drive along the road all night long... driving to somewhere far and just drive and drive and drive... First destination that comes to my mind was Port Dickson. i don't know why. What's missing? People say we can be happy always... but what will happy be if there's no sadness?

~ It's funny to see a long hair guy with a girl with boy-cut short hair. =_="

You know who you are <3

How Much Do You Know?

It's often quite frustrating when you realized one day that you actually don't understand your best friend well. It's even more frustrating when you realized that you actually don't understand a lot of people around you. It's saddening when you realized that you don't have a lot in common with your friends. Making you feel like you're a lone ranger, an alien.

Come to think about it... how much do I know about my friends? My family? If you were to ask me what my mum likes to eat and dislikes, I have to say I have no idea at all. Yeah, disappointing huh? At the same time, how much do my friends know about me? To be precise, how DEEP do I know and my friends know?

As time goes on, people changes. Or is it because as time goes on, our thinking changes, thus we ASSUME that people changed, instead of we ourselves changed. Ok, I know I'm crapping.

Psst, Justin's gonna be here for Christmas again! :) Went for his concert last year. Awesome. Hopefully will get to see him again this year.

~ *quote Teng* Why make someone your priority when you're not even an option to them.
~ Losing myself.

I wished...

Great... now that I've given my mum Boolicious's masak-masak blog site, from day one onwards she's been printing out probably three quarter of her blog posts out. And visiting other links at her blog. And she's been reading blogs to blogs. I wonder if it was a good thing that I introduced to her. I'm just scared she'll end up able to search mine and read all my posts *die*

Anyway. Busy busy busy. I realize I lack of time to do my dissertation already. Thanks to my laziness. Gotta push myself harder now. Busy december.

Today, I did something that I swore I won't do anymore. I was ordered to give out flyers at the roadside. Darn. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. My muka not tebal enough to do all these. Arghh! Samore have to do 3 days. Life is so unfair.

I dreamt about someone yesterday. Ridiculously, him. Of all people, him. Thanks to *you people* (You know who you are) Eww.. Aherm! Aherm!

Sigh, I wished I didn't go into that *issue* just now. I wished I could turn back time. CY is right, maybe I should just pack and leave and just stay in Penang with her. Does 'it' matter so much? Is 'it' so so so important that 'it' will decide for you to be happy or not? Without 'it', people will die is it? Friends konon. Family konon. Without it, I think this family don't matter much to you. I don't think you even treat this family as your friends. Can't even enjoy yourself with your family without 'it'. WTF. So disappointed. Being able to help out is not an enjoyable thing? What a bullshit. Different mindset. What to do.

I'm glad I am not involved. I'm glad I didn't help out. If not, I think I already bocor my arteries and veins. I'm glad I have to go to work and enjoying my other interests. I wished I could have just focused MORE on my work and other interests. I wished I move to Penang and not come back. I don't want to go back listening to all these bulls and shyts anymore. It doesn't matter to me. It might once be, but not anymore. I just want to enjoy myself. No matter what it is. "It" or not "it".

Angry me *grrrrr* I wished...

Happy + Sad day

After reading this news, felt my tears rolled down. Haha, Daniel is not gonna renew his contract with 8 unit and planning to venture somewhere else. Taiwan, here he goes. Well, he's the first idol that I 'chase' so much, so, can't help but will miss him a lot. Hope all goes well for him in Taiwan. Or wherever he's going.

Today is a happy and sad day. Very happy, and very sad. Sigh. Can't mention what it is about. Memories. I'll miss you all.

Went for the battleground recording today. Danny was super high. So cute lah he. Damn funny. Wanna know why? Stay tune to 1st december's episode of battleground on Astro WLT at 7.30pm :)

So many recipes and food I wanna try out to cook/bake. So so so so many. Yet so so so little budget to buy the ingredients. Prices of goods are hiking. Sigh! I wanna learn learn and learn! But am I meant to be a kitchen fella? Sigh. Heaven knows.

Ok, I guess you people are so sien with my emo-ness already. Sorry, can't help it. Any ways to make emo-ness disappear?

I realize I haven't reading a lot of people's blogs nowadays. Sigh. Better take some time to read all of the others :p Been missing out a lot of 'interesting' information. Nyek nyek nyek.

Life is not always the way you want it to be...
You might be doing something you like, but not in a right environment...

Life is wonderful if you know how to appreciate...
Smile and help your friends for them to smile back and help you...

Life is perfect when you have valuable friends...
Appreciate each and every friend surrounding you...

Smile through it even when everybody turns their backs at you...
Have faith in yourself that time will prove everything...

Be independent and don't rely on others too much...
You'll never know they might leave you alone suddenly...

~ I'll make sure I won't depend on my kids to feed me when I'm old.

Emo Virus Attacks Again

This week I'm working at Garden's Bakerzin. Boring to the boring-est to the most boring. 8 hours and a half is like 8 years and a half to me. Time passes soooooo sllloooowwww. And there are very few guests only. Today I was bored enough I wiped all the chairs and tables, and even wanted to count how many coffee beans in a packet.

I guess it was way too boring today, that the emo virus attacks me again *stare at pokok* Suddenly I just think a lot of stupid things. A lot of 'what ifs' appeared in my head. Negative ones. Don't know why, suddenly just have the urge to move to Penang. Haha! Seems to be losing touch with a lot of friends. Perhaps I'm not a reliable friend after all =S And I have a feeling my colleagues dislikes me... even though they treat me nice. Sigh. Nearly cried at work. But just tahan cuz not nice mar. Luckily ivy, ky, ss and cy keep smsing me. Missing all my classmates. Missing all my friends. Ivy, Ker ying :( Help me... sobz! Anyway, thanks hutan for coming to find me ;-) Had dinner at Seed Cafe. Maybe it was my mood, the food was so so only. Ordered Green Tea Milkshake, no green tea taste one... Would be better if they add red bean inside.

Panasonic Lumix FZ18, new model, RM1599. Free 2 gb memory card etc. Leica lens, 18x zoom. Sounds good. To buy or not to buy? Sigh.

Recently, a 'someone' annoys me. I shouldn't be annoyed because what 'someone' do is not wrong. Maybe 'someone' is just friendly and helpful. Or wanting attention from the blog owner? Leaving DAILY DOSES of footprints. I guess the owner is very fond of 'someone'. Same interest, same channel. Who am I to even bother? Argh, kcuf it. NOMB. Just ranting. 'Someone' annoys me without doing anything wrong :)

Am looking for a crystal ball with a white christmas tree in it. Anyone can help? :)

*Note: Pei Jie's Juru Halo Cafe promo canceled. Sorry for the inconvenience caused.

~ I'll never break my promise. I hope you won't too.