You

You don't know how painful it is to wait.
You don't know how heartbreaking it is to see.
You don't. You just don't.
You don't tell, you don't share anymore, you only care about other stuff, without even explaining.
Not a single word.
You never appear anymore.
I don't understand your life at all.
I really think that perhaps all this while its only when I have something you need that you'd be here.
It's damn saddening. It hurts so much this time.

I've learned that...

Times flies... it's been more than a year now since I last blogged here.. hmm suddenly just feel like writing something...

Much has changed... I've left my kitchen job, began a hawker stall business with my family, doing alright with everything, so much more free time for myself, so much more freedom, yet didn't seemed to achieve much and now I quit from it and wanting to go back into kitchen life. I don't know.. I don't know am I doing right, or wrong. Am I doing what I'm supposed to do. Where am I suppose to head to?

You know, I feel weird that, sometimes when you feel that you have no confidence at all doing one thing, and when you've done it, it turned out fair or better than you expect. It often is like that. But now, I've been hit by this feeling where, I thought I will do alright, I thought that I can nail it, I thought there were options and that they all will be available for me to choose from, you were in such a dilemma trying to choose one, and then boom, you picked one, nothing happened, and you pick the other, nothing happened as well. And you realize, you have no choice at all, and practically you end up with nothing. Seriously, nothing.

I've been feeling kinda shitty these few days. Jobless. Income-less. Aimless. Of course there are choices, many many choices, but not the types that you aim for. I can't just simply ini mini maini more and go for one. And then I start wondering if the problem was on myself. Being too picky? or my resume just sucks? or is it I have attitude problem that I am not aware that I am being detested?

I always thought that people will for sure reply your email, even if it's to reject you. I was wrong. I've just learned that people will just ignore your email. Without telling you why. I've learned that you will fail... people will just suck out all the confidence you've got and you'll struggle to stand back up. You will stand back up, just a matter of time. I've learned that, there are impossible things in this world. There are. Yes you can work hard for luxurious things. Those are not impossible. You can try and try for something that you desire, but there are still things that are impossible to gain. No matter how much you try, or you know it not even needing to try. And I've learned that, no matter how, you'll always be alone. People can help you, people are willing to help you, you have friends and family but choices, faith, strength and life still belongs to you and only you. People can help you but people can't help you all the time. You still need to stand back up by yourself, no one else could but only through yourself and by yourself you must understand this and do it. And hopefully, a path will rise and a door will open for me since the last door is closed.

Random.

down down dei

Today, down down dei.
Don't know why.
Saw the quote "the best way to avoid disappointment is to not expect anything from anyone' and i started having teary eyes. T.T
Partly maybe I keep seeing people waste food.
How does two person get along?
What do each other want from each other.
How do you ensure to have a good relationship.
Sigh.

Summary of 2013

It's been quite some time since I last wrote here. Well, no feel to write already, but just wanna conclude my 2013 here.

I resigned from my 4 year job of kitchen life and now doing a stall business with my family at my neighborhood area. Of course, there were uncertainties, there ARE uncertainties even as now, as in will I ever quit this business and go back into kitchen. You meet new people along the path and you see different attitudes and personalities. It seriously amazes me, at how people can be, how they can be like that.

2013, was emotional. Lol, every year is emotional for me. Envy, sad, happy, laughter. I get so disappointed at how a few of my family member changed into, happy that I met new people, traveled to Hatyai and Taiwan, and attended few friends' wedding dinner. Every year, I learn that, honesty, trust and kindness is very important. It's nice to know if someone have you in their mind. But, never expect anything, because you will end up being very disappointed when it never happened.

2013, still lol - lack of love. partner-less. What is love to you. How does it feel like, to be loved? i keep question about that. But never get to know the answer. What is most important among each other? How come i feel more cared 4 years ago than now. Our feelings tend to turn to more hatred and bad tongued, annoyed and irritant. We tend to complain about what other people do wrong than compliment what they do right. Atmosphere changed. No more family gatherings with all sitting together laughing around, no more happy moments, no more present exchange, no more christmas or cny mood, nobody to be around me. Whatever I have faith in, never seem to come true.

But, nevertheless, I still thank those who have guided me and be with me for the past year. New or old friends, whether we just meet 1 time or 50 times, I thank you all for being part of it. I thank God for coming into my life and blessing me with things that I have health and necessities and ability to earn for myself and have desires and wants. That I can travel and have important people in my life. It is all a blessing already.

Resolution for this year, haha, hopefully all I will achieve them:
1. Sponsor a child
2. Donate blood (I couldn't donate last week because I did acupuncture 4 months ago)
3. Lose weight (hardest part @.@)
4. Travel to somewhere new
5. Love

Wishing everyone a blessed 2014, happy always.

4 years..

After 4 years and 3 months working, I finally resigned. It's been almost 2 weeks since my last day working, been lazing around, cooking a little bit, but had not been able to bake because my oven is not functioning. Sigh. I have a long list to bake but not able to. Besides baking, there's little I can cook because nobody will eat, my family usually eat out, with my grandma and aunt, plus I have not enough space to store them. Myself? Well, trying to cut down on carbo, plus, somehow the more i cook the more i don't eat my own cooked phood >.<"

I have a long list of restaurants to try. Need to lose my belly fat but so tough when you love to eat. When I'm sad I find phood, when i'm happy I find phood, when I have nothing to do I find phood as well. 

Well, I don't know if it's a right choice to make actually. I left a place that I am happy being at, stable and able to go up further, but, I feel that I am lazing, I am being too comfortable. Perhaps it's God's way of telling me that I should walk another path. But, is this path right? Perhaps I will lose my skills. Lose information on the path that I left. Lose a lot of guidance.

But of course, I've learnt a lot these 4 years. Get to know worthy people, teaching people and learn from them as well. It was not smooth of course, there were very depressed moments, emotionally and professionally, not just on work but also on life, on being a right person, things will never be the same again, but I guess it's through those that I learn my lesson. Thank you all for being a part of my life. May this memory and friendship last forever.

It's a wonderful beginning in my work life. Able to learn so much and know so many people, whether I will get back in this line, God knows. Thank you for the basics, although I don't think I have learned 100% everything but thank you. I guess others expectation is that they expect me to grow in this line higher and higher, but I dont think I have the creativity in such high standard, simple phood perhaps I can, comfort phood perhaps I can, but not fine dine. Will I be a chef? I don't know.

也许

也许爱就是纯纯地陪伴
也许爱就是珍惜他所为你做的事
或者爱就是为你所做的一切一切
也许爱就是等待
也许爱就是单单地相信
也许爱就是想看到你开心就好

我不知道
我不明白
“彼此”是怎样相处才能永恒？
“彼此”是什么？
要付出多少才够？
要做什么才好？
“彼此”需要的是什么？

To forget someone you love, is like trying to remember someone you've never met, or waiting for a ship at the airport.

Tips & Advices to climb Mount Kinabalu

I did not manage to complete my hike up to the peak of Mount Kinabalu. Hence, I think I should share my experience with you before you go and climb.

Here are my humble opinions and advices from myself to help you to enjoy a better climb.

There are two routes up to Mount Kinabalu: Timpohon or Mersilau. I believed that when you register your climb with Sutera Harbour Resort they would have asked you which route would you use for your climb.

Note: The difference between the two is the length and the scenery. Timpohon is 2km shorter than Mersilau, but Mersilau route has much nicer scenery. Nothing to see on the Timpohon route, yet 2km difference is considered a big difference for a hike. Mersilau is much longer, while Timpohon is shorter but I think the steps are more steep and more stairs. For beginners, it's better to use Timpohon. Thats what everyone says.

Advice on things to bring:
- Four most important essentials, MUST:
1. Adidas Kampung (It's a must! I failed my climb because I didn't get it, you can get it at the mount kk headquarters) or good hiking shoes with great grips (you need it at the climb to the peak)
2. Walking stick.
3. Poncho
4. Waterproof jacket which can keep you warm, it's 5 degrees Celcius at half peak!

- Hike as light as you can. Only bring very, very essential items. They have porters to help you carry your bags at minimum charges. Only hike with your bag if you are very fit to climb. (I gave my bag to the guide after just 500m of hiking) You can store your luggages at the resort at the base before your climb if you do not want to carry your stuff up on the climb.

- Essentials: Bring a waist pouch for these - oats bars/cookies (slow energy releasing food is better than chocolates or bananas), headlamp, electrolytes tablets (can buy from GNC) - it's like isotonic drinks you just mix one tablet with 450ml water, 1x500ml water bottle (before u climb we were given one bottle of water and one sandwich and one hardboiled egg at the coffee house where we had breakfast) therefore max 2 bottles is enough, some money, compact camera or if you already have a camera phone (DSLR is not recommended).
- If you manage to find a brand called "Sports Oil" then buy it. If not, muscle rubs. Rub at your thighs, ankles, behind your calves and around your knee. Start putting the night before your climb. Before you sleep. Then before you climb, and the night at Laban Rata as well. Must rub!

(Pic taken from: joomshopping.blogspot.com)

 
- You dont need towels/shampoos/body shower etc. Waste of weight. Bring 3 pairs of socks and wear one. Total 4 pairs. But the guide told us its better not to wear socks with the adidas kampung shoe. Perhaps you don't need it. Short sleeves and short pants will do from base to Laban Rata, and from Laban Rata to peak you need warm and waterproof jacket and long pants.
- Gloves: You need a pair of waterproof gloves because near the peak you need to hold on to ropes. Please don't bring your walking stick from Laban Rata to the peak. Useless. And at the rope area you need to discard your stick because it is not allowed.

 These porters are fantabulously geng! They can carry like 30-40kgs of stuff and still walk faster than you and still can joke with you along the way >.<"

Tips:
1. Start training months before your climb. Train on your thighs stamina. Jogging or running doesn't help much. Walk a lot of stairs, do squats.
2. Eat bananas a week before you climb. Around 3 bananas a day.
3. Get some supplements: multivitamins, b complex.
4. Food is pretty decent at base and at Laban Rata. But don't stuff yourself too full. Eat moderately. Eat before you climb, and bring some light snacks up to the peak because you will be hungry by then.
5. If you can, do a 3d2n hike, not so rush and more relaxed. You have to pay more of course. Ours was a 2d1n hike, we climb up in the morning to Laban Rata, wake up at 2am to the peak, then rush down to the base on the same day so it was quite rushing. And at Laban Rata we did not have heater, so I didn't bath at all. It was too freaking cold to bath. Plan your hike earlier and see if you can get a place with water heater to bath.
6. Hike on step by step. Even if you are tired, don't stop to rest for too long. Because you will become lazy. Keep walking while your body is still warm. Don't let it cool down. The longer you rest, the longer you want to rest the next stop. Just keep on walking.
7. We took panadols before the climb and before we sleep. I don't know if it helps but we didn't have any headache problems or so.

My experience:
The rain will make your climb very much tougher. It started raining at km5 of the Mersilau Route and it was so cold. We had to put on our jacket and poncho. The road from Layang-Layang to Laban Rata is basically rock steps, it rained heavily so it became like a waterfall. Tough, really tough for me. Out of breath and soar. I really walked step by step. Very very small steps. Almost wanting to give up and just sit down there. But we still had to move on. I took 8 hours from base to Laban Rata. If you use the Timpohon route, by noon you would have reached already.

I hiked with my bag for first 500meters and i was feeling drowsy. My friend asked me to pass my bag to the guide. He helped me but have to pay money of course. I carried 3 bottles of water with me, not wanting to drink mountain waters. But 2 bottles will be sufficient.

From Laban Rata up to the peak is 2.7km, mainly rocky steps and wooden stairs, until 0.7km, there will be the rope route. The guide asked to see my shoes (I was wearing NB running shoes) and he adviced me not to go on because there's no grip in my shoes. I tried and I did slipped. So I turned back. My 2 friends who made it up to the peak said that it's tough, the rope part, but worth it. And the Adidas Kampung shoes really really help a lot! It basically sticks to the rocks. The guide did mention that if you feel dizzy or have headaches towards the peak and feel like vomiting, discontinue the climb. Don't risk your life just for this. There's always next time.

All the best to all Mt Kinabalu soon-to-be hikers out there! Just do it! =D

Where?

“去爱”与“被爱”，你怎么好像离我越来越远呢？

What road am I travelling on? Where is it leading me to? Clueless. Do I walk on? Do I turn?

I need a big comforting hug. Seriously.

Like We're Gonna Die Young

What expression or words can you give if someone tell u that they are not gonna live long?

I am stoned. Speechless. All I can give is a stoned face with an 'o' shaped mouth opened, no words are able to come out. Can't think. What can you actually say? It sounds like a joke, but no one likes to joke about life or death. It sounds fake, but I don't know. I can't really think at all.

All I can say is to do the things you like while you can. Go for all the things that you like.

Live, like you're gonna die young.

I fear death. A lot. No, I fear that I'll die when I'm young. I fear what happens after. To my family, to my friends. I will 'mm seh tak' my babies.

Life is such an unpredictable thing. Therefore, I must try to do all the things that I wish to achieve if anything happen, in a bad way. Touch wood.

Sometimes the things I do brings me no benefit, but i'm happy, and it's worth it. Yes, it's really worth it.

There are certainly many things in life, you will never get to know the reason or answers behind them. Things that you don't understand, because you never experience or feel it before. You think you know the people that you know, but actually you don't. You think that person is good, but you realize they're not.

I'm happy with what I have currently, I have the ability to earn my own money, although I haven't earn enough to pay for where I'm living now. I have friends, family, colleagues. I have happy people around me whose jokes make me laugh. I have the ability to smile. I have hands and legs that I can work with. I am normal.

I'm just human. I cry too. I feel sad too. I feel lonely too. Very very lonely at times. Living in a house big enough yet it does feel empty. Being single for so long, i envy couples. Each and every couple. Even my parents. And especially when you recently see very sweet couples, and having sweet couples around you. I don't really know what is the most important thing in relationships, but I guess one word says it all - LOVE. Both sides have to give and take. I don't know how couples can maintain. It's really respectful. It's weird when you see ego guys being sweet and lovey, it's funny how love makes human do. Hopefully I will find someone in the future. Hopefully. I'm scared too. I am scared halfway it'll end. I want to have 10yrs, 20 yrs, 30 yrs anniversary, not heart-breaking ones. I want "someone like you", someone better even. But I am nobody to demand for such great partner. Choosy, someone said, i know. I still believe in fate. No matter what.

I did wonder what if I did accept him last time, would I still be in a relationship right now?  But things happen for a reason. The strong 'no' that I felt inside when he asked. If i did, he wouldn't be so loving with her now :)

Sometimes i feel like just drive aimlessly, until I find a place where I feel good. Sometimes, I just wish to go to the beach and scream my lungs out, hoping it will make me feel better. Or perhaps I should just learn from the movie Prom, bury my head in the pillow and scream so that no one hears me, and then get back to life. Sometimes it's not that I love to cry, I can even cry in a comedy, I can just cry after I laugh. It's just it does make me feel better, sometimes. Sometimes it makes me feel worse though. Contradicting.

I found so many 'feelings' in this chinese page in fb, which most are how I feel, which means that a lot of people in this world feels the same, or perhaps worse. I am grateful that I'm just feeling heartaches, where there are other people in this world are suffering from physical, surgical, mental, torturous pain. Heartaches are for real though. They really do ache. And you really can feel the 'pain', really.

I used to think that people who commit suicide are stupid. I still think they are. But I understand why they did it. That crucial moment where the tension or stress or sadness or yeemo is at its climax, you just feel like you have no meaning to live on anymore, that feeling where no one will care, no one will forgive, that you are totally a failure, that's where all these 'devil thoughts' make them end their own life. Just like someone said, they chose to face death than to face their own life. I really wanted to once, not anymore. Thanks to someone.

Sometimes I wish i can just stop doing things and just... stop. Just let go of what i'm doing and just... let go. Stop working, stop trying, stop wishing, stop being who i'm supposed to be. Go travel. But no money. People will always think, quitting is easier than holding on. Or changing is easier than staying here. People get tired eventually, of work. I don't know. It will either be good or bad. Either my next route will be better, or worse. Grass is always greener on the other side. Difficult. 3 years already. Someone said I shouldn't stay more than 2, but we both had stayed on for 3 years.

Now I just try to demand less, dont expect so much, I'm glad that I'm able to not emo so much, I used to feel very sad when being not-bothered, ignored, but now I am able to let it be, and just expect the unexpected. Pamper myself with a little of massaging treat and phood for myself. Just do what I like. Trying my best to make people smile. Trying my best to make people feel happy. I feel glad when they do. Thank people for being nice and polite, and thank people for being bad so that you know who's your real friend and those who couldn't care less. Just do what I can do, just do what i'm happy doing, don't wish to know what others think of me. Because when people say about you, you keep wondering and start feeling shitty for what people say about you.

Just some blah-ing. Feel better already. I thank God, thank my real friends and family who never distant me, for everyone who is willing to like me and still think of me once in awhile, for my adviser and guide. I wonder, if someday I hide myself for some time, who would be the ones who miss me and worry me and try to find me? Those will be the ones who care.

Love life. Be happy.

Busy Week

For the first time, I am so so so relieved that the week is over.

Chef was on leave the whole week, and continuously busy for the whole week. All sorts of special orders, all sorts of unwanted orders. It's just funny that when there's not enough staff they still wanna take in so many guests.

Attended the Going Green Live 2012 concert last week during Raya holidays. It's been a long while since I last see him. Well, not that I see him in near distance. I was sitting quite far away from the stage. And a very nice 'spot' near the stairs. Saw a lot of girls with heavy make up. He performed Yi Qi Dao Gao, Beutiful Onederful and Shi Jie Bu Hui Mo Ri. Hmm, somehow, something different. He sang the songs well, he performed well with Da Monster too, but, I guess it's because there was something lacking that he didn't manage to bring it out. He didn't joke a lot, he was... quiet. Just sing only. Didn't really joke. Maybe because it's not his own's show.

Went to Luna Bar the other day. We have been saying to go there for years. Finally we manage to go. Well, it's not as total classy as it sounded, in fact it felt hot and humid. But definitely it's a nice place! Romantic place for couples. Nice place to get tipsy. There was a couple we saw that might be, erm, 'curi makan'? :p

Where's the light at the end of the tunnel? Where's the love story that I always read/watch in novels or movies? :( I feel numb. How do couples live so happily together?

So looking forward for my long holidayyyyyyyy... but still so long more.

C'est La Vie

C'est la vie, c'est la vie, c'est la vie.

Yes, this is life, this is life, this... is life.

What's up with me? Still alive. My hair's much longer now. Still as short (fun-sized, not short). Still drink once in awhile, more like every 2 days. Still yeemo. Still single. Still working in the same place.

Life's been treating me good. I'm still food hunting, travelling once in awhile, hanging out with my les amis (friends in French) when I get to. Seriously, time is not enough! One off day is not enough. On Sundays are the only day I can rest, and if you stay at home, you don't meet your friends. When you meet your family, you don't get to meet with your friends. When you meet with your friends, you don't get to eat with your family. And to meet with different group of friends, you need different Sundays, different times and a whole lot of Sundays, which I want to rest as well. And which I want to bake sometimes, or cook, or go exercise, or just do nothing and just hide under the blankets alone. And then I don't get to meet my friends. The circle goes round and round. And you just feel like doing different things with different people every time. And then my baking list goes longer and longer.

Not much photography done, my canon 1000d officially broke up with me, now I am using my brother's nikon, which I am not used to, and didn't spend time taking nice phood or pics.

Had a trip down South to Singapore few weeks back with my 6 buddies in secondary school. Went to Universal Studio to find my bumblebee, and went to a place called Timbre for dinner and drinks. With live band. Niceee. Any place like that in KL? Not blasting musics with the speaker right next to you and you can't even chat, but just a good live band with lots of beers.

Work wise, we strive and thrive, strike and survive. Everyday is a different story, a different chapter in our lives. We work, we learn, we teach, we learn through it and we listen. I compare a recent photo with a photo of the team back in 2009 when I first joined, the circle is a new circle now. Different people, different attitudes, different mindsets, different personalities. Those were the days I missed.

These few days I heard a lot of opinions and thoughts on relationships, women, men. Really a lot. What women think about men and what men think about women. You don't hint men. They don't get hints. They are straight forward people. Women think too much, even if you are straight forward, they think you are saying something else. Singles envy couples, but doesn't mean every couple are that happy after all. Of course MOST of them do, lovey dovey and sweet all the time, but sometimes you will be surprised when it feels stagnant, or how it's out of your expectation when you hear what women and men said or feel. People say long term stagnant relationships don't last, but I have various friends who are as sweet as ever. I guess it's that people feel bored after sometime and both need to put in sparks once in awhile, both have to put in efforts in it. In one, I act as a middle person but not wanting to interrupt anything at all. In another, I wish I can help but it's none of my business at all. Love is blind, oh yes I totally agree. Really blind. Love can make you do all sorts of things. Things that you feel so happy about. Yet it can also make you suffer like hell. You might be scolding 'be more rational! Use your brain!' you need to use both your brain and heart to feel and think, but often when you see the situation, you really don't know what you can feel or think at all.

Well, we feel happy is because things happened as we expect it to be, or more than what we expect it to be. And we feel sad or disappointed is when the thing didn't go our way that we wanted it to be. Expect the unexpected. My quote of life. It happened many many times to me. And I really, really have to agree to it. Be grateful, expect the least. Humans always have expectations, it's impossible that people don't expect anything at all. I'm learning my way to expect the least, and trust me, you'd be much happier like that. Much, much, much happier. Complain less, enjoy more, and if it doesn't go my way, it's fate, what can you do? Just live on and there's definitely other options. If I lose my job one day, even if I work as a dish washer, a ticket vendor or whatever, I still earn some!

Definitely being single for so long I do envy and feel lonely and for sure would like to have someone with me, but we can't force our way into it. I always believe in fate, and still waiting for the right one to find me.

Nowadays you hear so much, wayyyyy too much cases on rapes, robberies, thefts, murders. Argh... what's wrong with you people! You have hands, go work your own living! They didn't kill your family, why kill people! Even if they did kill your family, you don't have to be a murderer! And rapists, go satisfy yourself with someone else la! If you want to rob, just rob! Don't have to rape or kill! Grrr. If want to rob also rob richer people. May the lights guide you all. Sigh. So saddening. And you all are not making things interesting! You all are making the world a worse place to be!

I have so many things and projects that I want to do, but ... may I have the strength to keep them going on till I realize all these desires?

I shall go grab a drink and then get some sleep. Going for a trip with my friends to Kampar and Cameron this weekend. Till we meet again.

Good night.

Jess Lee - Jian Ao (Suffering) 李佳薇-煎熬

 

李佳薇 - 煎熬

早  知  道  　 你 只  是  飞  鸟
拥   抱  後  　 手   中    只  剩    下  　 羽 毛
当   初  你 又  何 必 浪   费
那 麽 多  咖 啡  和 玫  瑰  　 来  打 扰


我 想   要  　 安 静   的 思 考
天   平   上    　 让   爱 恨  不 再  　 动   摇
一 想    你 就  平   衡   不 了
我 关   灯   还  是  关   不 掉   　 这  风   暴
心  一 跳   　 爱 就  开  始  煎   熬
每  一 分  　 每  一 秒
火  在  烧   　 烧   成    灰  有  多  好
叫   思 念   　 不 要  吵
我 相    信  我 已 经   快   要
快   要  把 你 忘   掉
跟  寂 寞 　 　 再  和 好
得 不 到  　 也 不 要  乞 讨
怎  麽 做  　 不 需 要  别  人
转    告  　 在  陷   的 太  深   的 海  底
我 也 只  剩    下  我 自 己   能   依 靠


心  一 跳   　 爱 就  开  始  煎   熬
每  一 分  　 每  一 秒
火  在  烧   　 烧   成    灰  有  多  好
叫   思 念   　 不 要  吵
我 相    信  我 已 经   快   要
快   要  把 你 忘   掉
跟  寂 寞 　 再  和 好


我 相    信  我 已 经   快   要
是  真   的 我 快   要
快   要  可 以 微  笑
去 面   对  　 下  一 个 　 拥   抱

(Taken from: onlynickie)

Lyrics:

Zao zhi dao, ni zhi shi fei niao
Yong bao hou, shou zhong zhi sheng xia, yu mao
Dang chu ni you he bi lang fei
Na me duo ka fei he mei gui, lai da rao
Wo xiang yao, an jing de si kao
Tian ping shang, rang ai hen bu zai, dong yao
Yi xiang ni jiu ping heng bu liao
Wo guan deng hai shi guan bu diao, zhe feng bao

*Xing yi tiao, ai jiu kai shi jian ao
Mei yi fen, mei yi miao
Huo zai shao, shao cheng hui you duo hao
Jiao si nian, bu yao chao
Wo xiang xin wo yi jing kuai yao
Kuai yao ba ni wang diao
Gen ji mo, zai he hao*

De bu dao, ye bu yao qi tao
Zen me zuo, bu xu yao bie ren
Zhuan gao, zai xian de tai shen de hai di
Wo ye zhi sheng xia wo zi ji, neng yi kao

Repeat Chorus **

Wo xiang xin wo yi jing kuai yao
Shi zhen de wo kuai yao
Kuai yao ke yi wei xiao
Qu mian dui, xia yi ge, yong bao

Today don't seemed right. Different. It felt weird. It felt ... sad. Troubled, moody, yeemo.

I know what it felt like...

It felt like...

like..

You didn't smile.

How come it hurts not seeing you smile?

My heart is like a complicatedly tangled knot that couldn't be loosen.

Twisted, tight, curled, locked.

Time will heal, but it will take a long long time.

I pretend that I don't see, I don't hear, because it hurts, but i'm used to it. I choose not to know now.

Counting the days, for some days it's gonna be worst, and some days things could be so beautiful.

If you go on a holiday, please bring back some happiness for me as souvenir.

Counting the days to say goodbye.

Hopefully someday I will find my sunshine.

All I want is for you to be happy. As long as I see you smile. Real smile. Love your smile.

When someone's sad, no matter how hard you try, they will still feel sad. You can't force it.

Hong Kong Trip 2011

I had the opportunity to go to Hong Kong for holiday last year. I wanted to go somewhere new, I wanted a holiday, so my parents decided that we visit Hong Kong as they have not been there for more than 20 years after they went there when they got married, and even so they were stucked in the hotel last time due to typhoon, how unfortunate.

It was a... hmm, I would say good trip, but not great. We went at the end of November, so it was quite cold for me. Well, around 14'c - 17'c but to me it was freaking cold already. We followed tour, there were free and easy time for us so I thought it was good as we would be able to have more free time to ourselves rather than following those full time tours.

I would say that you wouldn't need a tour to go to Hong Kong. Transportation and directions around Hong Kong are very, very clear and convenient. There is the monorail that is so convenient and on time and it has stops at almost every part of Hong Kong.

I always thought that Hong Kong is a one-piece-land-country but until then only I know that there's two parts. There's like a tunnel that links both sides.

The tour includes 2 days passes to Disneyland (If you don't have kids/time, one full day would be enough), one-day pass to Ocean Park, passes to Ngong Ping hill which include tour on the hill (dai yu san), and a half day Hong Kong city tour. We went Disneyland for the fireworks of course, twice, it's presented daily, it was beautiful of course, but should have just spent one day there. On the day of the free and easy, we had to use it to go to Ocean Park, so wasted another day there. It was my first time seeing dolphins, but my parents said that it's still the same as 20 years ago, nothing special.

The half day city tour just bring you around to the harbour, taking group photos and end up acting pity faces asking you to buy the photo from them, bring you to feng shui jewellery shop and herbs shop and giving you an 'optional' tour where you fork out more money to continue the day with another half day tour. So then we went to Women's Street (for just one hour), Madame Tussaud wax museum & The Peak, Avenue of Stars, and a meal which includes the famous dry roasted goose.

I didn't enjoy myself eating Hong Kong delicacies because I was scolded for taking styrofoam for just buying a stick of curry fish ball, I didn't get to eat stinky tofu as I didn't manage to search for it, I didn't manage to eat a lot of Hong Kong snacks. I didn't had the chance to explore those famous streets like Mongkok or Tsim Tsa Tsui or Causeway Bay. I did manage to eat at few char chan tengs, well, they're just like our coffee shops here, some are nice, some are not, but no doubt their milk teas are awesome everywhere. Just like their egg tarts, roasted goose/duck, dim sums, some are nice some are not.It was overall ok, just not as enjoyable as I expect it would be. Definitely would go back again, free and easy of course, just to eat my stinky tofu and all other goodies. My friend suggested a must-try called "Aussie Dairy" at Jordan Road. Hmm, curiousity kills.

Happy New Year 2012

Wishing everyone
Happy New Year
Blessed 2012
May all your dreams come true
Be happy and healthy

Last day of 2011

Here I am sitting at Toast Box MV blogging on the last day of 2011. The mall is crowded with people, almost every shop is having their year end sale, i see boyfriends and husbands standing outside Vincci waiting for their other half doing their shoes shopping :p

How do i feel about 2011? Hmm, it's been tough honestly. Tough in the sense of emotionally. My 2011 was filled with much much emotions, mixtures of complicated feelings. There are good sides of it of course, and bad ones as well.

I experienced new things, such as going for marathons, I visited a new country which is Hong Kong. I am still able to find time to get together with my school and college mates whom we don't get to meet often.


I am grateful that i have friends and family who are very supportive and do include me in many activities. I sometimes do feel that due to my working hours and that i'm not a nice person to hang out with that people wont want to include me in their outings, but i'm grateful that i do get to join them. Thinking too much maybe.


I learned that there are stages in treating your friends, your loved ones and your family. I learned that there are limits, there are gaps, there are things that can be said, things that can't be said. Sometimes, truths are the words that can't be said. And sometimes, people just don't tell what's inside their heart. Express your words to your loved ones before everything becomes too late. Let them know how you feel before you regret.

I learned that health is a very important thing. I see people falling sick very frequently. Please take care of your health because without good health, nothing can be done well.

I learned that if you want to do something, you need to spend time, keep trying, have patience and do it whole heartedly to get the result that you want. I see the way my parents plant the plants in Seremban, they spend hours digging, plucking weeds under the hot sun, wrapping the fruits one by one, separating chicken dungs. They failed at some cuz some of the plants die, but they just shrug it off and plant new ones. Hmm, something to learn.

I learned that some things will never be the same again once it's gone, once you cut the string, it cant be put back together like how it supposed to be. No matter how much you pray or hope. Miracles do not happen, just like fairy tales does not exist in the real world. I learned that envy and jealousy really can kill. It did, it killed me. I've yet to forgive myself, and don't think that I'll be forgiven. Don't deserve anything. Wouldn't ask, couldn't ask. The grass is greener on the other side. I can even envy a girl I don't know on the street, thinking she's so pretty, her body is so nice. We'll never stop wanting to know, wanting to ask, wanting to question, wanting to understand, but often there are things you wouldn't be able to know or understand no matter how much you wish to.

10 years back we asked ourselves during high school how will we be when we're 25. Now that we're 25, we'd rather go back to 10 years ago, and also we wonder what's it gonna be like tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, everyday hoping for a better tomorrow, wishing that we didn't make so much mistakes, didn't caused so much sorrows, hoping that we didn't hurt people so much, wishing it didn't hurt so much as well.

I don't count myself being a good person this year, because I seemed to caused a lot of mistakes, fume and sadness to others. Rather than feeling good, i feel my self esteem went down, a lot. I lost some confidence in myself, in terms of erm... socializing i would say. Sometimes it felt like, everything I do or say seems to be wrong, seems to create anger. Nothing seems right. I need to learn so much more in treating my friends and family good, need to learn so much more not to create sins.

It wasn't a bad year for me, nor very good. There's so much more that I need to learn, that is. A lot a lot a lot a lot to learn. I have to remain 'expect the unexpected'. I have to learn not to expect. I have to learn to be good.

Happy new year to everyone out there. Have a great 2012. May you achieve more. May you be blessed with love, joy, happiness, great health and great wealth always.

-I'm sorry I over reacted, no matter what, just call my name and i'll be there when you needed.
-默默地守护
-Thank you for being in my 2011.

Updates 2011

A year and a half has passed since i last updated my this blog. Last time, it used to be a daily thing to blog, now it's ran into hibernation. Not that I don't online, I still online, but slightly less frequent, and with all the current new things online like voucher buying, online shopping, food blogs hopping, facebooking, there seems to be more things to see in less time =_="

Well, well, what happened to me in the past a year and a half? Hmm, nothing unusual, nothing great, small achievements here and there, and also a lot of ups and downs. A lot of tears but a lot of laughters as well.

Someone once told me that you wouldn't know if you've never been there, you wouldn't understand if you never experience it before. Now i know what he means. You wouldn't know how happy is happy or how sad is sad if something happened more than what you expect, you wouldn't know how much you disappointed others until you heard/saw their thoughts/expression. You wouldn't feel what it's like until you reach that level, whatever level it is.

Last year, I said that I learned a lot. A lot, a lot. This year I learned more and more, a lot a lot a lot a lot. I guess it goes on and on every year. I failed to be good this year, mad at myself for failing what i promised, crossing the border. I caused myself very very unhappy this year, cuz of myself. It was painful, really really painful, was at the edge of breaking down and depression. But luckily things didn't go beyond. I can be very happy at one moment, and then sad the next. People say the past is the past, forget it and move ahead. Not easy for me. Or perhaps all girls will always remember the past, every detail, every word, every piece of memory. Be it a good memory or a bad memory. People say forgive and forget, i don't know if i'm forgiven or not, but i guess no matter what, scars always remain.

This year I enjoyed myself a lot with my 2 angels, family. Didn't do a lot of jalan jalan cari makan to try new food but hopefully i'll still get to next year. A lot of things want to do, but still left undone, haven't achieve. Hopefully i will.

This year, I learnt that this world really macam macam ada. All sorts, all kinds. "Expect the unexpected" is so so true. You wouldn't expect it would be like that. You wouldn't expect people to change to become a total different person. "Never judge a book by its cover" you wouldn't expect someone that you see is a good person to be the other way round. Scary... scary in a psychological way. And you wouldn't expect people to bang your car and then scold you instead of apologizing. Sigh. I also learnt not to trust strangers.

I think a lot about relationships and love. You will learn a lot after watching 'You're The Apple Of My Eye' :p The feelings when you look at the one you like walking down the aisle. No doubt will yearn to be in one, but i understand never to rush. I'm not desperate. Definitely will envy at happy couples and wish for one to care for but it's not my fate yet :) Single is good in some ways also. Love is all about trust for each other, neverending tolerance, patience and love for each other. it's not measured by how expensive the gift is, what brand of handbag or perfume. It's the communication and bond between two lovers. Something that only both of them will know and what others wouldn't understand. I don't need flowers, I don't need rings, I don't need gifts, to me, if to me, it's all the small little memories that matters the most :)

Work wise, I'm currently back at the meat section. Long way to go, long long way to go. Definitely is a challenge, the most challenging section has yet to come, but meat is still a very challenging one to me. People come, people go. Year end is super busy period. Hopefully I still can get through it all. Hmm.

Aiming a lot on travelling to at least 1 new country every year, hopefully can achieve, and hopefully got enough money to achieve :p And also to travel to new domestic nature area as well. Photography, diving, cooking, baking, travelling, blogging etc etc etc... so many things.

This year I started getting involved in marathons. Just managed to join three so far, one was the Taylor's College charity run 5km, one was Siemens Run 10km and just today I done the Nike Run 10km. Not a sporty person but it's definitely a good try. Siemens one was kinda tough, I walked more than run. Nike one i pushed myself to run as much as I could, I force myself to run uphill, I managed to run 3km without stopping, the last 4km was tough. I thought I did better than I expect but hmm, not really. Really salute those who run non stop. All these there were no finishing medals so no medals this year :( Better luck next year.

So much more to achieve, so much more to learn, so much more to be a better person. I guess things will never ever be the same anymore, hopefully scars will fade, and hopefully it will be a better tomorrow, a happier tomorrow. Just give and don't expect anything in return, you'll definitely feel better.

3.37am

Fuhh! I've lost the passion to blog. Once a frequent motion has turned into hibernation for months. Not only that but it seems like I've also lost much communications with my friends and family. At times I don't even see my parents for a couple of days even though we stay under the same roof. By the time I wake up they're already out to work, and by the time I come home they've already slept. Friends work office hours while I work till late. The only people I hang out now is colleagues during work. Really have to appreciate the moments you get to hang out with your pals.

Gonna head for Hatyai in 5 hours time. Time to clear some annual leaves as I've not touched a single day of my annual leaves until now. It was quite a dilemma to go or not to, due to some other equally important issue to me. But since it's a rare chance to go holiday with my parents and especially my baby sayang #1, I chose for the holiday. Plus, a total of 9 of us including 4 very elderly people (my grandma, my grandpa's brother and 2 sister in laws), my dad can't possibly take care all of them by himself as he has to take care of my mom and aunt and baby sayang too if I didn't go, so apart of going for holiday, I have to go to carry their stuff.

These few weeks had been busy at work. Loads of functions, and more to come. Lack of staff on the service side and I had to help out as a service associate for like one whole week. Well, not really keen on doing service but I guess it's part of the learning process too. Everyday you learn something new.

Seemed to be making a lot of mistakes these few weeks. Some at work, but mostly in personality wise. Seems that most of my actions hurt people a lot. Hmm, well, you made a mistake, then you are bound to get punishment. The punishment was miserable, to the extend that I cried at work... twice. The feeling was just horrible.

Better go get some sleep.

Gonna miss you.