You

You don't know how painful it is to wait.
You don't know how heartbreaking it is to see.
You don't. You just don't.
You don't tell, you don't share anymore, you only care about other stuff, without even explaining.
Not a single word.
You never appear anymore.
I don't understand your life at all.
I really think that perhaps all this while its only when I have something you need that you'd be here.
It's damn saddening. It hurts so much this time.

I've learned that...

Times flies... it's been more than a year now since I last blogged here.. hmm suddenly just feel like writing something...

Much has changed... I've left my kitchen job, began a hawker stall business with my family, doing alright with everything, so much more free time for myself, so much more freedom, yet didn't seemed to achieve much and now I quit from it and wanting to go back into kitchen life. I don't know.. I don't know am I doing right, or wrong. Am I doing what I'm supposed to do. Where am I suppose to head to?

You know, I feel weird that, sometimes when you feel that you have no confidence at all doing one thing, and when you've done it, it turned out fair or better than you expect. It often is like that. But now, I've been hit by this feeling where, I thought I will do alright, I thought that I can nail it, I thought there were options and that they all will be available for me to choose from, you were in such a dilemma trying to choose one, and then boom, you picked one, nothing happened, and you pick the other, nothing happened as well. And you realize, you have no choice at all, and practically you end up with nothing. Seriously, nothing.

I've been feeling kinda shitty these few days. Jobless. Income-less. Aimless. Of course there are choices, many many choices, but not the types that you aim for. I can't just simply ini mini maini more and go for one. And then I start wondering if the problem was on myself. Being too picky? or my resume just sucks? or is it I have attitude problem that I am not aware that I am being detested?

I always thought that people will for sure reply your email, even if it's to reject you. I was wrong. I've just learned that people will just ignore your email. Without telling you why. I've learned that you will fail... people will just suck out all the confidence you've got and you'll struggle to stand back up. You will stand back up, just a matter of time. I've learned that, there are impossible things in this world. There are. Yes you can work hard for luxurious things. Those are not impossible. You can try and try for something that you desire, but there are still things that are impossible to gain. No matter how much you try, or you know it not even needing to try. And I've learned that, no matter how, you'll always be alone. People can help you, people are willing to help you, you have friends and family but choices, faith, strength and life still belongs to you and only you. People can help you but people can't help you all the time. You still need to stand back up by yourself, no one else could but only through yourself and by yourself you must understand this and do it. And hopefully, a path will rise and a door will open for me since the last door is closed.

Random.

down down dei

Today, down down dei.
Don't know why.
Saw the quote "the best way to avoid disappointment is to not expect anything from anyone' and i started having teary eyes. T.T
Partly maybe I keep seeing people waste food.
How does two person get along?
What do each other want from each other.
How do you ensure to have a good relationship.
Sigh.

Summary of 2013

It's been quite some time since I last wrote here. Well, no feel to write already, but just wanna conclude my 2013 here.

I resigned from my 4 year job of kitchen life and now doing a stall business with my family at my neighborhood area. Of course, there were uncertainties, there ARE uncertainties even as now, as in will I ever quit this business and go back into kitchen. You meet new people along the path and you see different attitudes and personalities. It seriously amazes me, at how people can be, how they can be like that.

2013, was emotional. Lol, every year is emotional for me. Envy, sad, happy, laughter. I get so disappointed at how a few of my family member changed into, happy that I met new people, traveled to Hatyai and Taiwan, and attended few friends' wedding dinner. Every year, I learn that, honesty, trust and kindness is very important. It's nice to know if someone have you in their mind. But, never expect anything, because you will end up being very disappointed when it never happened.

2013, still lol - lack of love. partner-less. What is love to you. How does it feel like, to be loved? i keep question about that. But never get to know the answer. What is most important among each other? How come i feel more cared 4 years ago than now. Our feelings tend to turn to more hatred and bad tongued, annoyed and irritant. We tend to complain about what other people do wrong than compliment what they do right. Atmosphere changed. No more family gatherings with all sitting together laughing around, no more happy moments, no more present exchange, no more christmas or cny mood, nobody to be around me. Whatever I have faith in, never seem to come true.

But, nevertheless, I still thank those who have guided me and be with me for the past year. New or old friends, whether we just meet 1 time or 50 times, I thank you all for being part of it. I thank God for coming into my life and blessing me with things that I have health and necessities and ability to earn for myself and have desires and wants. That I can travel and have important people in my life. It is all a blessing already.

Resolution for this year, haha, hopefully all I will achieve them:
1. Sponsor a child
2. Donate blood (I couldn't donate last week because I did acupuncture 4 months ago)
3. Lose weight (hardest part @.@)
4. Travel to somewhere new
5. Love

Wishing everyone a blessed 2014, happy always.

4 years..

After 4 years and 3 months working, I finally resigned. It's been almost 2 weeks since my last day working, been lazing around, cooking a little bit, but had not been able to bake because my oven is not functioning. Sigh. I have a long list to bake but not able to. Besides baking, there's little I can cook because nobody will eat, my family usually eat out, with my grandma and aunt, plus I have not enough space to store them. Myself? Well, trying to cut down on carbo, plus, somehow the more i cook the more i don't eat my own cooked phood >.<"

I have a long list of restaurants to try. Need to lose my belly fat but so tough when you love to eat. When I'm sad I find phood, when i'm happy I find phood, when I have nothing to do I find phood as well. 

Well, I don't know if it's a right choice to make actually. I left a place that I am happy being at, stable and able to go up further, but, I feel that I am lazing, I am being too comfortable. Perhaps it's God's way of telling me that I should walk another path. But, is this path right? Perhaps I will lose my skills. Lose information on the path that I left. Lose a lot of guidance.

But of course, I've learnt a lot these 4 years. Get to know worthy people, teaching people and learn from them as well. It was not smooth of course, there were very depressed moments, emotionally and professionally, not just on work but also on life, on being a right person, things will never be the same again, but I guess it's through those that I learn my lesson. Thank you all for being a part of my life. May this memory and friendship last forever.

It's a wonderful beginning in my work life. Able to learn so much and know so many people, whether I will get back in this line, God knows. Thank you for the basics, although I don't think I have learned 100% everything but thank you. I guess others expectation is that they expect me to grow in this line higher and higher, but I dont think I have the creativity in such high standard, simple phood perhaps I can, comfort phood perhaps I can, but not fine dine. Will I be a chef? I don't know.